81 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

I feel like this was one of those "longest weeks ever" types of weeks.  It took us close to the entire time to find a rental for the month and we are debating what we are going to do after this month is up.  We found out the damage is pretty rough, which we knew, but now we know more.  My, well, really it turns out it was aba's too, so our worst fears came to fruition and we have to remove the furniture in your room. Your bed, the bookshelf with all of your stuff, that horrible Ikea chair that I absolutely hate and didn't understand how your nurses never complained, the walls...they all have to go.  It is a lot to process, more than aba and I really can, so we continue to push it off. I am sure in next week's letter I will tell you how having everything taken out was a close to second to the day I had to walk you out of the house to never return.  The fact that the last place you ever laid and the only room you ever knew will be gone along with you, is really honestly way too much for us.  It is bringing a lot of serious conversations to the table (that we were avoiding).  My logical brain says it makes zero sense to replace your bed or replicate your room, you aren't here to use any of it and what is the point.  The emotional part of me says to keep it all despite the damage.  The logic will win, but the emotional is not going to recover.

We spent the weekend out of the house and it was nice to escape the noise of the fans and the chaos of the house.  I have your clothing in a box now, so maybe I will reach out to those who I have been in contact with to make quilts.  We have one, it is absolutely amazing, but now I want every article of your clothing made into a quilt for your siblings as well.  Truthfully I can't really look at the first one that was made because it makes me cry, but one day I know I will, and it has set the bar really high for the next quilter.

Tzvi had his team hockey party Sunday, I am really excited over the new colors! You would have looked adorable in all the purple, silver, and black.  I have my boots ready to go and new sweatshirts on the way!  I am really excited for him and all that he has in store this year for his hockey growth, make sure you pop into a game or two or send some of that awesome juju!

Anyway my love.  I miss you a ton and am starting to be more mindful of the signs you are sending me. They may not be what I want per se, but I am starting to acknowledge they might actually be from you, it is just tough.  

Stay safe and healthy and have fun!

(oh, and ps: make sure you tell uncle happy birthday!)

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

80 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

80 weeks...and one day, my eyes squint as I wonder how; my heart hurts as I dare to wonder why.  These last 6 days have felt like they have been an eternity themselves, sometimes I wonder what role if any you are having in all of it, I struggle to figure out if and what you are trying to communicate, much like during your life.  Last Thursday night Meena, Laeya, and I returned to our grief groups.  I really missed mine.  I am one of the furthest along in terms of physical distance from the death date, but in terms of the journey, at this point, I feel like I won't ever be graduating.  According to all of the books I have read there will be a day that I will look back and tell the 'me of now' that one day I will learn how to continue to move forward.  I will keep waiting for that day.   

We were supposed to go to Bear Pines last weekend, but when Friday rolled around my energy levels and ability to cope with grief and life were impossible.  We did a quick family vote and 4:2 meant we stayed in Phoenix.  Ema has flown off her rocker completely and Meena and Noam now have their own baby kitties, Bella Nicki and Bailey Nina.  They were temporarily being housed in your room while everyone adjusted, so I cleaned up your room by putting away all of the clothing for your potential clothing quilts and moving your car and stroller out of your room.  We woke up Shabbas morning to the entire house being flooded.  Aba and I are more annoyed at the inconvenience because after burying you, very little can actually be worse.  My tears were of the thought of what will happen to your room when they do the official moisture checks. What about your bed?  What else of you are we going to lose?  Luckily all of your important items were away.  Aba found a handprint father's day gift from you in a bag, but thankfully your handprints are still intact and just the year and one word were blurred.  The cabinet was soaked so your blankets on the bottom shelf were wet, but they were cleaned and dried by Saturday night. The hardest loss currently is your hospital bag that I have never unpacked from the last time you were in-patient.  I started to unpack it when I realized aba hung it up on my closet door not wanting to tell me, but knowing I would realize on my own when I saw it.  I saw my hospital socks, a pair of leggings, and a shirt before I completely lost it and decided I can't unpack it, not yet.  I won't ever repack it again so I can't unpack it.  For now, it remains on the hook until I don't know when?  

Aba initially said this flood is an omen and it is time for us to move.  I told him I can't and won't leave you so we aren't going anywhere.  I am left wondering if this was a message from you telling us that we need to "start over", and that we need to move forward?  I know you would totally be on my side for renovating the house, but honestly, my energy level and ability to take on this type of project right now is similar to your bone density level...in the negative range.  Maybe that is why it is happening though? Maybe it's to keep me busy so I keep pushing on? Just another thing to do to keep my mind busy and not fall deeper into this grief pit?  Not sure it is really going to be helpful?  I am torn on if this means we should repurpose your room, nothing feels right, I am so utterly confused.

How have you been doing? I haven't asked how you are doing or what you are up to. Do you have nice friends? Do you get to see saba? What do you do every day? Is someone taking care of you? Are you scared? Do you feel safe? If you can somehow answer anything, just let me know if you are truly doing ok.

Anyway my love.

Be safe. Know how much you are loved and missed!

Until next time. 

Love always, 

Ema

79 weeks and 2 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am so sorry I have fallen behind on my weekly posts and posting picture throwbacks of you.  I don't want to burden your peaceful soul, but ema is really struggling lately.  I was talking to Mimi's mom today and admitted that New York sent me "backward" on this crummy grief journey.  I say backward, but really it is more that I am cycling back into the whole denial concept of you actually being dead, which I think happened because I wasn't visiting your grave as much.  Now everything is significantly harder to deal with.  I have your soapstone butterfly to honor another 6 months of you not being here and I can't even bring myself to go to your grave.  It breaks my heart on so many accounts. I am so sorry. The same has occurred with posting those throwback pictures of you each day.  I used to look forward to doing them, but now all I see when I open google photos and type in the date is there are 2 years without pictures of you on that day and I can't bring myself to scroll down to the years you were actually here.  

This last week we were visiting Harper's family in Dallas.  It is always comforting to be around them, I am sure you remember how amazing they all are. We went back to Six Flags this year, it was another first time without you sort of deal.  I keep managing to survive these first times.  Overall it was as good of a day as can happen in ridiculously hot temperatures in an outdoor park with your siblings.  It felt like one of those movies where my mind flashed back to where we stopped, adjusted your fan, and made sure you stayed cool or sat out of the rides.  I was almost relieved that Noam was too short because he was the perfect excuse to not go any of the roller coasters, but that used to be your job.

After driving back the 15 hours straight on Monday I went to work on Tuesday.  It keeps ringing in my mind that I don't know what school you would have been in so I don't know what to put on your "first-grade" rock.  It also doesn't compute in my mind that you would be going into first grade?  It doesn't make sense, you never even started Kindergarten, you never graduated from preschool.  My mind can't handle all of this movement forward. I feel like I am being catapulted out of a cannon, complete with free-falling and crashing down.  I feel even worse telling this all to you.  I just truly pray that you are beyond happy and at peace.  It is really the only consolation there is for you not being here.

79 weeks and 2 days of missing your cuddles and physical presence and always counting.

Until next time baby girl!

Love always, 

Ema

18 months

Dear Sonzee, 

I am actually lost for words on the fact that it has been 18 months.  The last few weeks have been so draining on the emotional level that I have lost my entire ability to deal with anything grief/you-related.  That makes things extra challenging because trying to ignore grief means I am essentially ignoring you.  I have zero desire to function but have no option not to.  I didn't expect this to get harder.  I thankfully do not have any expectations, but even without them, things keep feeling worse. I am sorry I am slacking on my daily throwback pictures, but that also falls in the scope of things I am finding impossible to do.  It is just this intense feeling of extreme exhaustion, but hard to really put into words.

Monday marked the completion of 78 weeks without you.  Tuesday at 1:08pm marked an entire 18 months without you.  Today, Wednesday, at 1:08pm(AZ time) it will mark the beginning of the next smaller "count up" to the 2-year mark.  I rationalized I could write this today because it is before 1:08pm, and therefore still falls under the official 18 months day, meaning I did not miss the actual date.  Trying to keep my guilt at bay and honor my moment in grief is a massive struggle to balance.  

Today I find myself in Dallas, in our Dallas home, at the Howard's.  It feels comforting to be in their presence during this time because even not talking about anything grief-related aloud we are with people who have lived the same life and journey of CDKL5.  This week brings years of "on this day" memories and moments, and there are some amazing ones, but my heart hurts.  If I harbor any regret within your life frame, it would be that we never got to take you to Morgan's Wonderland.  It was on the agenda that first pitstop here in 2017, but then we just clicked with the Howard's, our plans changed, and we said "next year".  "Next year" became six flags, which we did for 2 years, and then, you were out of "next times".  I probably won't ever be able to bring myself to go there now; that's okay.

It is hard to believe life continues to move on without you here. It still feels like one of those movies where the characters freeze but the background continues to change and all the people outside of the focal point pass by and continue on with their roles. I still feel stuck.  I still feel like I am always struggling to just get through each day.  I still feel like I am back reliving your life and death as if it all just occurred today.  I am thankful for the ability to recall so much, yet am saddened by some of the everyday details that are no longer as poignant.  Certain facts that were once as ingrained in my mind like the ABCs are no longer pertinent to my every day and therefore have been lost, like the ability to remember at what age and how much of your medication you used to take, how you reacted to it, or what side effects you had.  The exact placement of your genetic mutation used to be in the forefront of my mind, and now it requires a text to a friend who knows or a lengthy search through all of your files.  Every day I feel like I lose something else, but I won't know what that is until I am asked and can't remember or a situation brings it to my attention.

18 months have brought your name missing from pull-down bars that hold the names of the rest of us in the family.  Your insurance cards still sit in my wallet behind the ones we now use.  Your room still holds your Rifton chair and your bed, both empty, but unable to be removed.  Your car still sits in the garage, your clothing still sits in piles waiting to be made into blankets.  Your Ativan and meds of a similar type still sit in sealed containers in the laundry room cabinet.  Your presence feels less and less active, and the "caught off guard" moments of grief continue to come like punches to the gut.  Life of us being 6 has (sadly) become normal in terms of your physical presence, despite you always being in our mind.  Sadly the world can't and doesn't read my mind.  

Anyway baby girl. My hope for your 18 months is that they have been the best you could have ever had and better than what I could give you here.  You are never gone from my thoughts. You are never out of my heart. You will forever be spoken about.  Your name will always be said, and you will always be part of our family.  We all miss you and wish things could have been different.  Until we can see you again, continue to run free, and do you!

We love and miss you!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

77 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Today marked 77 weeks.  It is our last Monday in NY and it is also Tzvi's 10th birthday.  This last week was jam-packed and a funfilled one as we picked up Laeya and Tzvi from camp and then dropped off Meena for her 9 days of sleepaway camp trialing.  A week ago Miss Malka and I went to Woodbury without you but brought you with us in conversation.  It was mixed tears and laughter.  We really missed your wheelchair because we had nowhere to put our bags.  We talked about the time your foot accidentally got stuck in the door.  In hindsight in that 2018 year, we wonder how often we accidentally fractured your legs before we learned that your bones were so brittle that they could break with a simple tap. We are so sorry about that.

We picked up Laeya and Tzvi on Tuesday.  Both absolutely loved the camp experience, unfortunately, Tzvi didn't exactly love the specific camp.  It's ok, we found a new one for him to try next summer.  Laeya is already excited to go back to see her summer friends, she can't wait.  We gave her saba's old iPhone 5s to use the cloud to talk to her friends.  We will be happier when we go back to Phoenix time and she isn't on it so much, but it is nice for her to have this group of girls that she is loving to talk to.  

We took Meena to her sleep-away camp trial.  She is having a blast. She called us Friday to say "good Shabbas" and that she was having so much fun.  The camp doctor called us yesterday to let us know she hurt her foot, but I saw in the pictures that she didn't exactly take her advice to rest her foot and stay off of it, evident by her rock climbing.  What do we do with that one?!  We pick her up at the end of this week.

We finished off the week heading to uncle's and Hay-Hay's and went to American Dream Mall to celebrate Tzvi.  It was bitter-sweet as it is another age you won't ever turn and we had no accommodations that were needed to be made for our day today.  I had to put the big girl panties on to make it through the day without the tears...which I did quite well if I may say so myself, but my heart was constantly aching and the tears blended in well with the water park atmosphere. 

 

We have one more week left in NY.  I don't think any of us are really ready to go home, but we are excited to be going to Dallas to see the Howard's, and ema does need to get back to work. 

Anyway, my love...missing you as always...so much!

Have a great week!  

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

76 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Today will be the completion of 76 weeks without you.  It is the 5th Monday in New York without you, almost seems surreal.  This last week your New York family painted you rocks for me to bring home to you.  We simultaneously packed Shabbas boxes for hospitals in the Tri-state area.  I wish during all those shabbas' we spent in the hospital together we had been given these boxes.  The only time we ever had anything like these boxes was when we were in CHOP together.  

This week was a bit more challenging for me for a couple of reasons.  The first was that I have been really missing you and so many people here park illegally in the handicapped parking spaces and it just strikes a chord.  I have been unable to say anything to anyone since you have died, but it doesn't change the anger that builds up inside of me.  This week I managed to open the parking mobility app, and stared someone down so hard through their window they never exited their vehicle but she did look like she was searching for her placard and couldn't find it.  I won't allow myself to talk to anyone because I have created a dialogue in my mind that would inevitably boil down to the person asking me if I need the spot and me bringing up the fact that my reason for the spot is no longer alive, them not caring, and me falling apart in front of people who don't matter.  So, while I want to slit their tires and wish them the need to actually require the use of the spot, I just continue to keep it inside.  

In addition to the parking issue, I have felt so somber because while the world continues to care solely about Covid, everyone seems to continue to forget about RSV, the flu, and other colds that can also kill various populations.  If it isn't corona, no one cares, and it makes me horribly angry and sad!  The last summer you spent here we spent 2 weeks driving around to various hospitals to find out you had adenovirus, you know, the other fancy name for "allergies" that no one cares about.  That's what started your downfall.  Or rather, it let me know your body was beginning to fail.  It really breaks my heart that people just. don't. care.  The world feels everyone should protect the most vulnerable, but only on their terms, and only when it is them who is vulnerable.  Remember how many things we missed out on because I had to make sure you were protected as much as possible?  The world never went out of its way for the small percentage of you and all the rest of the rare.  (PS: they still don't, unless of course, it is covid-19 and then they expect everyone to protect them (insert ema's eye roll)).

This was the last full week without Laeya and Tzvi.  Aba and I are SO excited to pick them up Tuesday.  It doesn't help my heart that I get to pick them up, but haven't been able to bring you back to me.  Hard to believe their month of summer is already over.  Hard to believe summer, in general, is almost over.  I am still torn on wanting time to slow down because that means it will be longer until we meet again, but also not wanting it to keep flying by because that means it is further from the last time I last held you, looked you in your eyes, and got to tell you I loved you while I gave you a kiss.  

This week I walked into a store and was looking at charms when I was caught off guard by the one that had 3 hearts with "big sister", "middle sister", and "little sister".  Sometimes I wish I had a brown bag with me to breathe into when I get punched in the gut.  Instead, I snapped a picture and sent it to Mrs. Zupnick along with the gif of someone being punched in the stomach by a wrestler.  Maybe one day I will buy it and either keep your heart on my necklace or bring it to your grave for you?  I also saw a mother/daughter necklace and it had only 2 daughter parts and that made me feel sick because I would need three, but could theoretically get that one.  Needless to say, I left them all on their shelves.

Anyway my love.  I guess that is all for this week. I love you and miss you lots!  Continue to be safe and happy and free!  

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

75 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

It's crazy that it has been 75 weeks.  75 Mondays that you haven't experienced.  75 Mondays I have experienced without you. Somewhere along the way, I have even stopped picturing what we would potentially be doing together.  Instead, my mind wanders to what you might be doing with your independence and complete freedom.  The problem with that is that my mind I am sure limits your potential because you probably have no restrictions and can do literally anything and everything, including things my mind cannot even comprehend.  

This week Meena and Noam continued to enjoy day camp.  Meena won an award and Noam has all the counselors wrapped around his finger.  He is like the little "big kid on campus", everywhere he goes they all call after him, he eats up all the attention.  Laeya is loving camp, we got to speak to her for a little and Tzvi didn't complain but mentioned we should find a hockey camp for next summer.  You know how difficult is it to keep him excited about anything other than hockey for lengthy periods of time, such a pain.  They both have colds, but that is definitely par for the course.

We haven't made it over to Kelder's Farm yet, we were supposed to go yesterday, but the weather was not on our side.  To be honest, I keep seeing the pictures pop up and I am torn on going this year in general.  It will be with either you and Meena missing or you, Laeya, and Tzvi, and honestly...maybe it means we should just stay away?  

I have been doing some reading and have started to needlepoint. I am making Tzvi his talis and tefillin bag, figured a little less than 3 years gives me ample time.  I have been on a roll, but have a feeling wherever I finish off this summer is where I will pick back up next summer.  I actually look forward to working on it a little bit each day, so that is good.  

So many people have continued to seek me out to talk about you.  The only slightly awkward time was when one of Meena's friends asked about my necklace after looking at the charms and I explained Meena had a sister who died, and she looked confused and said she thought she heard me say you died, and I had to say that I did say that.  Noam mentioned he wanted you to come home the other day.  That is the 2nd time in the last 6 months he has said something about wanting you to come home.  I hate having to break his little heart by reminding him that you can't come home because you died.  

A few times, aba and I have talked to people who haven't known us and the conversation quickly turns to kids.  Thankfully the phrasing of the question keeps the conversation light and doesn't require us to explain every detail of our lives.  The topic quickly turns to blanket statements about camp and then they ask who is at camp.  It isn't that I don't want to bring you up, it is just I am in this weird place where I don't necessarily feel it is everyone's right to know about you.  The initial reaction from strangers is always "I am sorry", or some other platitudes and I don't feel like telling them "it's fine" because it is not, it is better to just avoid the entire situation. I did joke with aba that at one point I might just throw out that you are in camp heaven and see how much of a double-take people do.  I mean, it could be fun. "I have 2 kids in day camp, 1 in camp heaven, and 2 in Moshava".  

Anyway my love. I hope you had a great week and do again this week.  Love and miss you!

Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema

74 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Hi again! Another Monday about to be in the books.  It is funny when people ask me about the length of time it has been since you died, or say in a question form, "oh, it's been a year and a half or so?" I reply to the answer in weeks and mention that's how I count the time.  I do wonder if at some point I will round off to the nearest month, start to include the word year, or answer differently, but for now, there is some comfort in the weekly count.  Maybe it is because it is a big enough number to communicate how long it has been, but small enough that it feels like it hasn't been so long.  Counting in weeks also requires a second or two of time if someone wants to do the real math of how much time has really gone by.  People know it is more than a year, but it still falls within the realm of it being not long ago.  It is all a mind game at this point, so I really have no good answer to the why.

Meena and Noam have been in camp for a week now.  They both seem to be having a good time.  Meena is now in G3 and Noam in the Camp House.  Meena was once in his room, so it makes me smile that he is following in her path.  I will always wish we could have found a summer camp for you.  Nothing ever panned out, and sometimes it makes me angry that no camp had the skill sets to take you, but I am thankful you and I got to shop until we dropped and spend our time hanging out.  I think back to the camp who told us that you were too complex, but maybe next year. I wonder what they expected to change in a year as if some miracle was going to occur that would remove your seizures and make you walk. I mean, that supposedly is the hope that many of the CDKL5 community pray for but as a camp, I think that was a little bit off the mark as words of rejection.  The truth is, we probably weren't even going to send you unless we buttered up Nurse Paige to spend the summer with us, but I wanted to be the one to reject them.  And also, we never got to see the next year, so there is the really angry part of me that wants to call them up and tell them it was their fault that you never got to experience a camp setting and now you never will.  The small bit of rationale ema that remains knows not to be mad at them because if they couldn't care for you I am grateful they were able to admit it.

Laeya and Tzvi appear to be having a great time.  Your brother has a knack for avoiding as many pictures as possible.  Aba and I have developed some mad skills being able to find him in the background regardless of his attempts.  He also hasn't sent us any messages complaining, which we all know he would if he needed to.  Your sister is all smiles, all the time, and I am just so happy for her and this experience.  I LOVE that she is having such a great time with her summer friends.  In a pre-covid world, we would be visiting them in a week, but due to the closed-off campus, we are not going to be able to.  After their 4th corona test, the camp announced last week they are 100% corona free so they removed their mask mandates while around other bunks and are back to a more "normal" camp experience. That makes me even happier for their experience.  

Uncle and Hay-Hay came to spend July 4th with us.  Remember when Uncle would sing your beat-bo and bow-wow songs and when he would lay on the floor next to you?  We instead introduced him to the chicken nugget and chicken wing songs, he will be sure to thank us when those pop into his head during a work meeting.  It was a semi-tough day yesterday, so naturally, besides Meena and Noam wearing some red, white, and blue, there was no matching outfitting going on or anything.  Facebook memories made me smile but also broke my heart.  I hope you matched your friends with outfits and wore a cute bow or headband!

Anyway my love.  Missing you like crazy!

Until next time.

Love, 

Ema

1 year 5 months

Dear Sonzee, 

It has been another month (and one day really), and tomorrow marks the 74th week.  I don't really like it when the milestone week and month dates are so close together.  In a sense, it makes things more challenging for me.  I think it is because it requires a lot of reflection of my emotions within a short period of time and that is really draining and horribly painful for me.  The weekly posts are rough as it is, but to reflect on another month that I had to balance life without you is something that just becomes progressively difficult. 

This month reiterated how year 2 continues to be more challenging than year 1.  This month solidified the accuracy of my "fantasy fears" as I was right at just how painful revisiting a life without you that we once had with you can be.  This month I can really see how much of me was taken with the end of your life.  The shell of me still remains, there are still remnants of a person I once was, but the new me is nowhere near the same.  I am okay with that, I just wish everyone else truly could accept that things won't ever be the same.  

Auntie A painted you your monthly rock this time.  She placed it next to the others and also gave you the July 4th rock I painted before we left.  I have a month left to decide what soapstone animal will be placed on the top of your book.  It is hard to believe next month will mark another 6 month period that will have passed.  It will be an entire 18 months.  It takes me back to a time I asked the designer of an Etsy store to customize an "18 months" shirt for you because we never knew how many milestone dates and birthdays we would get with you and I wanted to celebrate it in case you didn't celebrate your 2nd birthday.  We only ended up with 4 true birthdays...I am thankful I celebrated the 1/2 one as well.

This month taught me that I can decipher between your siblings' being away and your absence.  It may sound crazy, but a month ago the idea of not being able to communicate with them in our typical manner sent me into a tailspin.  It was similar to reading all the parenting books before Laeya was born, it made me confused and anxious because I couldn't understand a breastfeeding schedule when I didn't have a child to apply the practice with.  It has been 11 days and I can survive with modern-day technology bringing me pictures and videos, one-way emails, and staff who are able and willing to keep me updated if needed.  If only there was some system in place for you and me.  Instead, I have purchased every book under the sun to try and make sure I am to receiving signs from you.  I feel like I need as much assistance in this area as I can have.  I am guessing this will be a lifelong struggle for me.

Well, baby girl, I am off to write your next letter.  I hope this month was easier for you than for me!  I pray you to continue to be free of pain and revel in your freedom!  Stay safe and have fun!

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema

73 weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

At 1:08pm (PST) another week has gone by.  This time it finishes with you being joined by another CDKL5 sister.  Being that I removed myself from the CDKL5 support page a year ago, it was Harper's mommy who sent me a text about the situation when she first heard about what was happening.  The eery similarities that fall within the realm of death of you all make me a good portion of sick.  This time, it didn't follow the way your end of life unfolded, but instead another sister of yours.  I wish someone would do research on the deaths already, but I am just not strong enough for the battle that would take.  Sadly, in time, research will cover that as well; you know after enough of you have left this world.

When she first sent me the text, my response was that I didn't have the strength to reach out.  After a few days, I put on the big girl panties and did what I could.  Her mom told me last night she appreciated what I did this week despite how hard it must have been...one day (soon) she will know exactly how it went down.  That makes me even sicker than I already feel.  I hope you and the rest of your CDKL5 siblings were there to greet her!  I hope you have taken her under your wing.  I imagine even if you all do your own thing on a normal day, on days like today you come together like a huge camp reunion to show each other the ropes.  I know it softens my anger and helps me rest a bit at ease thinking 73 weeks ago the same was done for you.

This week has utterly sucked.  There is zero sugar-coating how it feels to be back in TH49 without you.  I initially breathed a sigh of relief not seeing the blankets we used to lay on the floor for you to roll on.  The ones I wondered if anyone else ever used or if I was the first and last one to wash them each year.  Then I went upstairs to the room you used to share with Meena, the one we don't need to use this year, and there they were...organized neatly on shelves staring me in the face.  I walked out of the room and closed the door.  I keep that door closed all the time.

So many people have mentioned you.  There is a part of me who wishes they wouldn't.  I can see it in their eyes from 10 feet away as they make their approach that you are on their minds.  They have a look on their face that makes me want to run away.  Instead, I embrace them and the words come out of their mouths.  They mention your name.  They do make me smile.  I would most certainly HATE if they didn't mention you, but there is ZERO winning. I can't always stomach a conversation about you but I wouldn't be able to survive without having conversations about you.  The truth is that people don't know what to do or say, and neither do I.  This life after you is really hard, even 73 weeks later.

Laeya and Tzvi appear to be having a great time in camp.  I made the mistake of not sending them with trunks of food nor Tzvi's hockey stick...live and learn.  Oops!  The camp of course took it upon itself to make sure your brother now has snacks available at his whim in his bunk.  Every video and picture of them makes me smile and reassures me that they are having the best summer.  We took Noam on his first official train ride yesterday while visiting Aunt Ronit.  He couldn't get enough so we told him we would do it again and go into the city.  He and Meena started camp today.

Anyway, baby girl, we miss you beyond words!  Stay healthy and safe!

Until next time.

Love always,

Ema