Sunday, July 4, 2021

1 year 5 months

Dear Sonzee, 

It has been another month (and one day really), and tomorrow marks the 74th week.  I don't really like it when the milestone week and month dates are so close together.  In a sense, it makes things more challenging for me.  I think it is because it requires a lot of reflection of my emotions within a short period of time and that is really draining and horribly painful for me.  The weekly posts are rough as it is, but to reflect on another month that I had to balance life without you is something that just becomes progressively difficult. 

This month reiterated how year 2 continues to be more challenging than year 1.  This month solidified the accuracy of my "fantasy fears" as I was right at just how painful revisiting a life without you that we once had with you can be.  This month I can really see how much of me was taken with the end of your life.  The shell of me still remains, there are still remnants of a person I once was, but the new me is nowhere near the same.  I am okay with that, I just wish everyone else truly could accept that things won't ever be the same.  

Auntie A painted you your monthly rock this time.  She placed it next to the others and also gave you the July 4th rock I painted before we left.  I have a month left to decide what soapstone animal will be placed on the top of your book.  It is hard to believe next month will mark another 6 month period that will have passed.  It will be an entire 18 months.  It takes me back to a time I asked the designer of an Etsy store to customize an "18 months" shirt for you because we never knew how many milestone dates and birthdays we would get with you and I wanted to celebrate it in case you didn't celebrate your 2nd birthday.  We only ended up with 4 true birthdays...I am thankful I celebrated the 1/2 one as well.

This month taught me that I can decipher between your siblings' being away and your absence.  It may sound crazy, but a month ago the idea of not being able to communicate with them in our typical manner sent me into a tailspin.  It was similar to reading all the parenting books before Laeya was born, it made me confused and anxious because I couldn't understand a breastfeeding schedule when I didn't have a child to apply the practice with.  It has been 11 days and I can survive with modern-day technology bringing me pictures and videos, one-way emails, and staff who are able and willing to keep me updated if needed.  If only there was some system in place for you and me.  Instead, I have purchased every book under the sun to try and make sure I am to receiving signs from you.  I feel like I need as much assistance in this area as I can have.  I am guessing this will be a lifelong struggle for me.

Well, baby girl, I am off to write your next letter.  I hope this month was easier for you than for me!  I pray you to continue to be free of pain and revel in your freedom!  Stay safe and have fun!

Until next time.

Love always,

The Mighty Contributor

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