Dear Sonzee,
Every Sunday/Monday for the last 3 weeks I have wanted to write you a letter. Every time the day passes by I tell myself on Tuesday-Thursday to find the time. By Friday I tell myself that I will just write to you the following week....then like the one before, that too seems to come and go. So, today, on the first day of the 4th Month of May you will not be part of, I am forcing myself to write. It also happens to be that it is my first Monday in 11 weeks that I haven't been in a class on Monday night, and that Noam's soccer practice was canceled due to the insane wind that was present today. Maybe that was you yelling at me to remember you. I promise I haven't forgotten about you.
These last 3 weeks have been filled with your siblings in after-school activities and me working every day of the week. I switched to working officially Full time, so I now work Friday as well, I am able to do my work for the day at home if I want, so that is extremely helpful. We have received 2 more "Sonzee blankets", so now Tzvi is the only one remaining to have one made. It brings me happiness with a tinge of sadness when I see your siblings snuggled with their Sonzee bears and blankets. I am so happy that they use them and love them, I am sad that they are the placeholders for what should be a sleepover with you.
The last 3 weeks I have found myself telling people that I have 5 children and even mentioning that you are no longer alive. A few times I might have left that little fact out of the story and enjoyed the persons' flabbergasted responses wondering how I do it all. If I really think about it and give the grief component the credit it deserves, it is far more challenging to parent 4 alive children and grieve the 5th. I am not ready to really accept that reality though, it would mean I would have to admit how much of the grieving part I choose to push to the side. It is far easier to do that.
Noam started his first soccer practice last week for a team. He was all excited to get cleats and shin guards. He picked out blue socks and blue laces for his shoes. Aba seems to be embracing the potential of a son of his not playing travel hockey. Maybe embracing is a bit of a stretch, rather I should say he is in the stage of acceptance. I haven't purchased any "soccer mom" paraphernalia just yet, so he is safe for a bit.
Tzvi has 16 more days until tryouts for next season, his last as a peewee, his last not checking. I am unsure how my brain and heart are going to handle that future, but for now, I will just focus on his last season of being young. He has been attending some skills sessions and we even forced him to take a full week off. He survived.
Meena has been getting into the grove of being in level 3. She was a bit disappointed because she really wanted to be in level 4 for her first competition season. The truth is, she has all of the skills, but all of the elders felt it was in her best interest to start out with the potential to medal as much as possible to build her self-confidence to start. After her official placement, she went through a mental block and needed a bit of a mental reset, she seems to be rebounding nicely. I am really excited to watch her next year, she is so beautiful to watch!
Laeya has been giving us a fun entry into parenting a teenager. She is keeping us on our toes and we are trying to balance out being fun, and strict while allowing her some new independence in some areas. It is of course confusing to know if we are doing anything right. We probably aren't, but what would she talk to a therapist about as an adult if we did.
What have you been up to? Did you come to visit Laeya and me in Florida this past weekend? I noticed it was extra windy. We bought you a red/yellow seashell that says Clearwater. Aba attended a funeral today and I meant to ask him to bring it to you, but forgot. A student of mine from FBC went to heaven Friday. Were you there to greet him? Have you and all of your FBC friends welcomed him with open arms? I asked myself today if you all attend classes together wherever you may be. Sadly, we know there are more than enough of you now for that. Do you see Coach Ed at all? Do you still love to swim? What new things have you tried or been up to?
2 days from now we will complete another month without you here. The days, weeks, and months keep speeding by. I wish I could see you in my dreams, any idea when I might be ready? I could use a glimpse into your world.
I love you and miss you, baby girl!
I will do better with my letters.
Until next time.
Love always,
Ema
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