Dear Sonzee,
Almost 2 days ago we hit the 170-week mark. The weeks that end in 0 and 5 make the distance seem so far away, and then I am reminded that is because it is. Yesterday we went to a Lag B'Omer event at an indoor trampoline/air park. We had no idea it was so close to the house. Aba still loves to attend the Chabad community events; I don't share the same enthusiasm. As I sat there staring at Tzvi play basketball with boys, he was a baby with my mind pictured them all as babies and went back to that time in my life. There was a part of me for a split second that felt sad we don't have recent pictures of them all because they don't really run in the same circles anymore. At the same moment as my mind felt this sadness over that fact, I remembered why I wanted to move away, why it is so hard for me to be around everyone from that community. It is simply, or rather less than simple, but factually, you. Being around that world takes me back to life with you. I saw Tzvi playing basketball, your sisters running around, Noam doing his thing, and then saw you sitting to the left in your wheelchair kicking your legs, sucking on your pacifier and I wanted to run far away.
The world we live in now doesn't involve your physical presence, and it also doesn't involve me having to unpicture you either. There is no spot in the kitchen you ever were pushed around by your brother. There is no room that was yours. There is nowhere outside that you sat. There are only the pieces of you that we brought with us and the physical things we have made from what you left behind. While it brings on a different set of emotions, overall, it is easier to not have it the other way around.
Yesterday your brother played in his first soccer game. It was beyond adorable, and despite the 5 minutes before the game where his coach emphasized and repeated which direction he should run towards and which goal he was supposed to shoot into, he still ran towards the other goal. Then he stopped and was like, oh, wait. He had such fun, and we had fun watching him. Tzvi skipped hockey to come and support him.
I have finished cutting and sorting the clothing for the last 3 quilts we will be able to make from your outfits. The only item I couldn't bring myself to include was the pink five shirt. I don't know what I will ever be able to do with it, but for now, it will sit in the pile of a couple more leggings of yours.
Aba and I finally agreed to have a management company take care of Bear Pines. We officially went live last week. I am still unsure how I really feel about it, but at this point in our lives it is the best thing to do.
I miss you lots! Hope you are having fun and being safe!
Love always,
Ema
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