These last 2 weeks have been pretty rough, to say the least. I knew they would be, but knowing doesn't seem to make a difference. There is no way to actually prepare. There is nothing that I can do to make it less rough. Maybe that will come in time? I can only hope.
Over the last 2 weeks, we have honored both your Hebrew and English dates of death. In 4 more days it would have been your 8th birthday. I am looking forward to the completion of all of these dates. The rest of the days of the year are hard enough without all of these days piled on top. Maybe it would be better if they were spread out some, but they aren't and so I try to give ample warning these aren't ideal weeks for me to deal with the mundane, but it seems people just don't get that I become a ticking time bomb.
Maybe I shouldn't become a loose cannon, and maybe it isn't an excuse, but then again maybe I shouldn't have had to bury you, so I guess that is a moot point. I know it doesn't give me a free pass at everything, and it doesn't make me entitled...but I feel it gives some justification.
This last week while we were in Vegas at the hockey tournament a kid purposefully lunged toward one of Tzvi's teammates and it resulted in a concussion. It was a trigger for me. A child potentially dying due to playing a sport they love by some little piece of work who wasn't taught the potential of his actions makes me sick, angry, upset, disgusted, and so incredibly sad. It is something I have been unable to rebound from. The worst part, this kid's teammates' parents laughed while our player was on the ice not moving. This kid didn't even look back, he didn't even check on the kid, he simply had zero regards for what he did. It is just a damn game. It isn't worth potentially killing someone.
I shared the video of the hit, wrote a post to educate others, and stated that I had hoped his parents took the time to educate their son and I lost 2 "friends". Those two people said I shouldn't have posted the video. One or both of those people said I was reported to the Arizona Amateur Hockey Association. I am happy they did because doing so will bring awareness of that intentional hit. It also helped me to weed out people I do not need in my life. I also sent my own email about the video and the post to AAHA and I know I did nothing wrong. I did not shame this team, parent, or child. If I had wanted to do that I could have mentioned the name of the kid, team, jersey number, and all the little details that occurred, but I didn't. I stand by the post. I stand by my feelings. There is no place in a sport for that sort of behavior. There is no reason to potentially kill a child. The thought of these friends of mine having to bury their son after playing a hockey game is something that I just cannot shake. It shakes me to my core. There is nothing worse than having you gone. I wish no other parent has to join this club, but if they do, it better not be due to an extracurricular activity.
I took a "mental health" day today and came to be with you. It feels like it has been so long since I have done that. I remember doing this every day after I got up from Shiva for the longest time. Then life continued and I came less and less. Then it became too hard to come. Now I don't do it enough. These grief emotions just get too much to handle at times. A friend dropped off a Starbucks drink and I brought it with me. I am sitting on this cold granite bench wrapped in the blanket I picked out during our first grief group. I sprayed all of the rocks with a water protectant. I brought my markers to paint you some more. I wish any of this helped. I wish this journey wasn't so damn hard! I wish something would make this all better...but without you back that isn't possible, so I am left to do my best to keep it all together, and honestly...I feel like I am failing.
Love you, little girl!! I hope you are planning something amazing for your birthday with all of your friends.
Until next time.
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