Sunday, February 5, 2023

3 Years

Dear Sonzee,

On Friday I honored your 3 year deathaversary while Tzvi and I were in Vegas for a hockey tournament. I received so many texts and Elle sent beautiful flowers. The moms on Tzvi’s team gave me hugs and overall it was a good day.

Tzvi lost both of his games (I am sure you know) because he scored the only goal during the morning game and I was so overwhelmed with emotions I started to cry. It obviously wasn’t about his goal, it was about you, but every emotion melted together and turned into me being a basket case on the top row of the bleachers. Thankfully everyone let it go. 

It’s hard to believe it’s been 3 years in time, but really it feels so much longer when it comes to this journey. 3 years ago Covid was just becoming a thing, but not really yet, and certainly not in the United States. Since then, so many deaths have occurred due to it, schools spent years closed or offering remote online classes, the world shut down, reopened and now…it’s essentially back to normal. Except, you’re still gone.

The last three years I’ve experienced so many emotions and I wish I was done having all the feelings, but I don’t, and it’s frustrating! It feels never ending…because, it is. Which is something I realized somewhere along year 2-3. Year one I was in denial. Year 2 I woke up and realized it was real. Year 3 I realized that this is permanent. 

3 years. When someone asks me now how long ago you died I wonder what people will say in response to 3 years. Will they reply that it is still fresh? Do I fall in that category anymore? Will they say oh, wow, that was so long ago?! (Is 3 years really that long ago?) How will I reply? How will any of the responses make me feel? I. STILL. DONT. KNOW.

3 years has taught me that I can’t make everyone else’s journey mine. I can’t carry any more and that’s ok. I have to let others live their stories and I can’t bear their weight. It becomes far too heavy and it makes the small ability I have to cope with my grief and your loss almost impossible. So I am thankful I have learned that it’s ok to let others challenges go. I cant change their course and I can’t make their pain go away or not occur. 

3 years has me wondering more about what you’re up to and where you really are. It makes me question how life would be if you were here and how it would be if you had never had a mutation on your CDKL5 gene. 3 years has made me miss you more than I can even describe. It brings tears to my eyes to even think about. 

Our family still misses your presence and brings you up often. Noam still talks about you and everyone else does as well. We all wish you were here and we all still grieve your absence in our own individual ways. We all wish you are happy wherever you are and pain free. We all appreciate your visit at the cemetery last Monday. 

I wish every day I could see you and kiss your sweet soft cheeks and give you cuddles and squeezes. I wish I could snuggle with you one more night and tuck you in. I wish every day you’d be here, with us, to make us be the complete family of 7 that we should be!

But, I also wish that you continue on your current journey, pain free, not suffering, being the amazing Sonzee you could be and that you continue to enjoy every single minute.

Love always,

Until next time.


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