Friday, December 2, 2022

147 weeks and 4 days

Dear Sonzee,

Today is 147 weeks and 4 days (at 1:08pm AZ time). On Monday, which also was 147 weeks your baby brother turned 5. It was just like every other day since you left- filled with tears and smiles…more smiles though than tears, and a mixture of thoughts. I managed to pull myself together enough (or maybe it was the circumstances) to set up for his birthday party and host it in the backyard. He and his friends had a blast! I chuckled when I saw he wore his Rawr I am 4 shirt. Next year I will be able to buy him the 6 shirt (I should be, I hope- since my struggles have been about the 5th birthday). 

Last weekend your brother had another hockey tournament. They didn’t go 0-4 or 4-0…and for once they actually did a dead even balance of 2-2. It’s a struggle this season for sure, but honestly, it’s just a game and some years the team he is on is strong and other times it just is what it is. It’s all about having fun in the end and for your oldest brother, he truly loves being on the ice no matter what team he is on. 

Last week Uncle, Hay-Hay, and baby Isla spent the week in Phoenix. For some reason I’m seriously obsessed with baby Isla, I don’t know why. Maybe it is because she’s a squishy adorable baby? Maybe it is because in some way she reminds me of you? Maybe it’s because I LOVE babies? Whatever the reason, I am just thankful I don’t have an ounce of resentment over her being healthy- which sounds horrible to say- but I was nervous before she was born how I would feel. In the end, I cannot see her enough! I cannot wait for the summer in NY so I can hang with her close to weekly again!!! She’s the yummiest, and she just turned 6 months old and is sitting like a champ! She used a lot of your stuff while she was here last week and that made me smile! 

Savta has also been here since last week. She relocated Noam to our bedroom- but then aba got sick (probably the “allergies” that he gave you the summer of 2019 that didn’t help your downward trajectory and turned out to be adenovirus) so he moved with me into Meena’s room. Now Noam has fallen and I cleaned the sheets on both of Meena’s beds and her and I pray we don’t get taken down next! This one is a dousy for sure!

Today, for the first time in forever, I have sat at your grave for going on close to 2 hours. Painting rocks and now writing you this letter. I did this every day for 6 months straight after you died. Then would do it often through the first year until the site of your stone broke me enough that I couldn’t come back to sit with you. I needed a reset today and since I didn’t want to be in the house with the sick boys I said to myself, oh I can drink my coffee outside and then said- wait, I can paint rocks, and write a letter to Sonzee while sitting on her bench! So here I am and I couldn’t be happier with my decision! I made you a bunch of new rocks. 3 hockey sister ones to represent the seasons you haven’t gotten to wear sparkly boots or a hockey sister sweatshirt, and a thanksgiving one. I have more I need to do for you, but that took a lot of energy for today. 

It’s weird what causes me to be drained in terms of grief. Sometimes it is just thinking about you, sometimes it is visiting you and sometimes it’s just random. I can’t explain the fatigue it causes, but it makes me feel like I could sleep for years on end. Grief on the body sucks! 

Anyway baby girl! I hope you are staying healthy and doing well. Come and visit when you can! 

I love and miss you lots!

Until next time.

Love always,

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