Tuesday, December 27, 2022

151 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

There are 4 more days left of 2022. It is hard to comprehend, but I will wait to share my thoughts on that in my end-of-the-year blog. For tonight, I will write my last weekly blog of 2022. This week was filled with the completion of Chanukah. The start of winter break for me as well as your siblings.  This week I went to watch aba play hockey which is something I have not done in years.  I have to be honest, it was one of the slowest games I have had to sit through in a long time.  Think back to the few Titans' games you watched circa his first year playing travel hockey when he was just a mite. (You might have even seized through a majority of them because they were oh-so-eventful).  Really aba was good, but he was playing with men who were significantly older. I give them mad props for playing club hockey at their age, but I won't be there to cheer anyone again any time soon. 

This week we took your siblings to the world's biggest bounce house. It was fun, but it was one of those one-time sorts of deals, (we won't be doing it again). This week your siblings also got their first phones. They aren't thrilled because they can literally only make phone calls and text and they have no social media, internet, or games.  We got them primarily because they have GPS and they all walk to school now, and not typically together. I will have more peace of mind knowing I can track them and that they have a way to call if g-d forbid something should happen. Additionally, with Meena's new gymnastics schedule and Tzvi always at hockey practice, it is good for them to have a way to get a hold of us. (Like for those times aba drives away with Tzvi's hockey gear, but without him). 

I have been looking at your pictures this last week. Overall they make me smile. Sometimes they even transport me back to that actual time or day.  I never wish I didn't take as many videos or pictures as I did. In fact, I wish I was as good at it with your siblings.  Still, the only regret of my life is not having any of me with you right after you died. As we get closer to the exact date I know it will be something that loudly haunts me since it sits quietly nagging me throughout the year as it is.  The one positive is that my primary advice to anyone who enters into hospice is to take as many pictures and videos as possible.  They don't have to ever look at them but they will have them just in case they want to. It eliminates the potential regret.

This week for 2 days of my break, before your siblings began theirs, it was the first time since you died that I had no real reason to get out of bed. I stayed in bed in the morning on both days. By day 2 aba asked me if I was just enjoying my break and staying in bed because I could or if I was depressed. I admitted the truth (while attempting to hide the tears that filled my eyes). It was a little bit of column A and column B. I then asked him how he could not be. We are almost done with 3 complete years without you here and I still feel like it is day #1 all over again. I have mastered my ability to hide it the majority of the time. I force myself on the regular to play the part of typical I have not buried a child after living close to 5 years as a special needs parent mom, but now with Noam being old enough to do things on his own, and with us living so close to school, I have to admit, it was nice to allow myself to not get out of bed.  It is only because of your siblings and working that I am even able to fake things as much as I do.  Anyway, if you ever doubt that I am over you not being here, or think that I have moved on, don't worry little bear, it hasn't happened and it won't ever happen.

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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