Sunday, July 3, 2022

2 years 5 months

Dear Sonzee,

How did I miss a month? I am so confused. I went to count the months and realized there was no post on June 3, but I’m failing to understand how I missed writing a post. Maybe I combined it with a weekly post and I don’t remember? I know the 3rd of June was busy with moving into the new house, and then Shavuot happened…but I still should’ve written you a letter. 

Today another month begins without you. That has happened 52 other times as well. It doesn’t get easier, just more different. Sometimes different is horrible and sometimes it just is.  Either way it’s still difficult to explain in a language people can understand.

This month was lengthy and filled with new challenges, like trying to find the perfect spots in the new house for all of your things and having to always look at your stuff even if I’d prefer for it all to be hidden at times. It was also during this month that for the first year since we have come to NY that we are in a different house in vacation village, a place you never were.  It was also during this month that I met your new cousin, someone who won’t ever meet you and will only know you from pictures and stories she will be told. 

This month brought on a lot of grief randomly, out of nowhere, but it was also the first month that I allowed myself to let it wash over me and wasn’t so quick to breathe it away. Instead of pretending I was okay, it was the first month I allowed the tears to fall out of my eyes and down my face before I rushed to wipe them away…I would say that is one way grief is different. I feel the pain, it sucks, it’s horrible, but it’s never going to go away so I might as well embrace it as it comes…or at least try…

This month brought another loss to the CDKL5 community, but at the same time it was another month I found myself drifting further from that life.  I am accepting that for my mental health I can’t be part of that world, it’s too much…but that’s okay. 

This month like I mentioned was tough, but knowing you’ve had another month of freedom makes it alright.

Until next time my love!

Love always,

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