Tuesday, July 5, 2022

126 weeks and 1 day

Dear Sonzee, 

Today is July 5. Two days after another month without you and one day after another Monday.  This week seemed to go by quicker, but it was also tougher in terms of emotions. This week, I found myself having a few of those "smack me in the face" moments of if you were here.  If you were here things would be so much different, so much so I cannot really make out an image of what it would actually look like. I have tried to imagine what if you were with us in this lake house with 12 stairs up to the top.  I have tried to imagine what if I had to push you in your wheelchair up the hill to the Husarsky's or to the camp house multiple times a day.  I have tried to imagine what if you were here for the summer with Noam.  Would you have ever been accepted into Camp HASC?  Would you have ever been considered "less complex"?  Would I have finally convinced Nurse Paige to spend the summer here with us and have her take you to camp?

This week we drove to uncle, Hay-Hay, and baby Isla again.  Would we have done that twice in one week if you were still here?  Would I have been able to be on newborn baby night duty if you were here? Miss Malka and I have done a couple of runs to different stores, but otherwise, I have been kicking my feet up on the sofa and watching Disney nature videos.  I even took a nap, during the day.  Sure there are a lot of things I would like to be getting done while I have the time, but I am starting to master this whole relaxation thing and it is probably better for me than crossing items off of a to-do list that isn't time-sensitive.

This week we received our first letter from camp. Surprisingly it was from Tzviki and he even said "camp is good".  I feel so relieved reading that considering it took until today for a candid shot to catch him smiling.  I am convinced he purposely doesn't smile and ignores the camera on purpose just to stress me out.  Thankfully the photographer caught three of him smiling and happy. I also sent him a love note email explaining I wouldn't refill his canteen money if I didn't see a smile, tonight it has been given a boost. Laeya lost her glasses in the camp lake.  Well to be fair, she gave them to the lifeguard who placed them on the dock and they weren't there when Laeya went to get them back.  Poor girl cannot see without them, hopefully, her new pairs arrive tomorrow.  (She of course left her backup pair in Phoenix).  Meena's camp mom sent me a request for more skirts, so I will either be driving there in the morning to drop them off or sending them UPS, I haven't decided just yet.  Otherwise, the two of them have been smiling ear to ear every day. 

On Sunday we visited a new farm, it was actually called a homestead.  They had so many activities and so many adorable animals.  Noam was obsessed with the baby goats and ducks (as were aba and I).  They had wagons and little kid tractors and cars sitting around to be used.  The minute Noam grabbed a wagon my heart stopped.  It came out of nowhere, the reality that you should have been there with us.  He pulled the wagon around a bit before he found a kid-sized John Deer and then left us to go and play.  My eyes caught sight of a hammock perfectly located amongst the trees just blowing in the breeze.  It called me over and I laid on it for a bit.  For one of the first times on this grief journey, I let the tears just fall down my face only to wipe them as they reached my chin.  I repeated in my head that I should just let the grief wash over me and reminded myself that it is better to grieve at the moment and not to suck it up and pretend that I was okay.  I told myself what so many others have said to me, it is easier to be in the moment, so on the 2-year and 5-month anniversary of you being gone, I took the advice.  I am unsure if it made anything easier, but it did make me feel better to let it out vs keep it in.  I have kept it in enough to know it wouldn't have stayed in for much longer and so on the spot I am sure you would have swung with a smirk on your face, head tilted towards the sky leaning into the breeze, I let myself be wrapped up in your amazing breezes and allowed the tears to fall. 

Anyway baby girl.  The tears I am sure will continue and I will be better about allowing them their right to do so.  I hope you come and visit me!  I hope you are having an amazing time wherever you are.  I hope you are flying and free!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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