Wednesday, November 17, 2021

93 weeks and 1.75 days

Dear Sonzee, 

I am sorry I missed writing to you on Monday.  It just seems like time is completely impossible to hold onto.  This last week was another that flew by.  On Thursday your siblings as well as myself had off of work/school and all day I thought it was Sunday and didn't understand how I was going to be writing another weekly letter.  Then I realized it felt so quick because it had not actually been an entire week since my last letter to you. 

This last week I have just felt completely blah and not really wanting to do much of anything, including going to work.  Since it isn't an option to just stay home, I force myself to show up, but while I am there physically, mentally I have no idea where exactly I am.  I suppose this is one of those times it is good that I am working and that I have a reason to leave the house because if not I am pretty sure wallowing in self-pity and sleeping all day would be my only agenda items. Some mornings though I think to myself this is exactly what I was afraid of happening if/when I went back to work, so maybe it wasn't a good idea?  Maybe I should quit so I can just be blah on my own without it negatively impacting anyone or the environment?  Grief sucks!  I hope you aren't experiencing any of the same feelings.  I hope you are only happy as I can only imagine you to be.

Your brother has been playing some great hockey these days, scoring and getting assists.  Some games are better than others, and we are very proud of him!  He is still loving the game, and he has a great team, so despite late nights, early mornings, and lengthy drives he couldn't be happier.  He has another tournament coming up over Thanksgiving weekend, if you aren't busy, come on by!

We celebrate Noam turning 4 in a couple of weeks.  This one is going to be tough.  I am still not ready to accept he will be the same age as you.  I cannot process that you should be 6, that you would be turning 7 in less than 3 months.  In a year and a couple of weeks he will be older than you, that will be incredible for him, but horrific for me.  I am trying to do my best to celebrate all of your siblings' birthdays, but full disclosure, it isn't easy.

On that topic, for the first time since you have been gone, I actually decorated for a holiday.  I took out our Chanukah decorations and set them up around the apartment.  I have the handprint menorah Miss Amber had you make.  I have your "A Hannukah Bear for Sonya" story and bear on display with your siblings' books and bears.  I still have the cards Nurse Teri gave to everyone.  I am trying to make myself want to be back to my old holiday/birthday fun self.  I am trying to follow my old adage of "fake it til you make it", the jury as always is still out, but I am giving it whatever best I have.

Before I end my letter, I want you to know that I am really sorry that I haven't gone to your grave.  It is up there with my lack of desire to do anything.  The guilt mixes with the fact that I know I don't need to be there to be with you, I just want/need to get you all of your rocks!  

Anyway my love.  I love you! Be safe! Come visit!

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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