1 year 9 months

Dear Sonzee,

 Today completes another month that has gone by.  An entire 21 months, just 3 shy of completing another year.  This month was another relatively tough one.  It still has not gotten any easier, in fact, some days and things are just so much more challenging. 

This month I found myself able to speak out on matters that I once would never have held back on, but have since you have been gone.  It was the first time I was able to speak out against illegal handicap parking.  Something so simple, but something that I have shied away from as a protective mechanism.  I didn’t speak to the people directly, but I did ask the owners of the area to address it and they sent out an email.  To be honest, it did little to stop all the entitled people who feel dropping their child off at gymnastics warrants the use of a space designed to be used by those needing to be closer to an entrance.  However, have no fear, my next stop is calling the local police department and asking if they have the resources to come and sit in the parking lot during pick-up and drop-off times.  I am just really trying to do my best to not start altercations, which I know is where this is headed.

This month I hardly was able to look at your pictures, and I haven’t been to your grave in an entire month.  I managed to be able to sit there the last time for over 2 hours, so at least once I got there it wasn’t as horrible.  They fixed your bench, it looks amazing.  I also have to apologize because I didn’t make it there today either.  I didn’t paint your rock yet either, but I will.  I know whether I avoid these things or not doesn’t change the reality that you are still gone, but attempting to pretend is something I have gotten fairly good at.

This month the anger came back full force.  Maybe it never really left, but I just find myself really frustrated over you not being here, over you having had to suffer, over it feeling like so many people have moved on from you being here, over organizations dropping us when at one point they used us for whatever benefit they could gain from having us promote them, over life moving on and forward, over life being normal, just angry over it all. It’s just all so hard.

This month was just another on this never-ending grief journey, but also another month that you were free, not suffering, and able to be comfortable.  Our roles have switched, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, except if I could have had you here with me without that horrible CDKL5 mutation, but I suppose that’s a discussion for an entirely different life.

 Anyway baby girl.  Have fun. Be safe.  Come and visit.  You are loved and missed beyond measure.

Until next time.

Love always!

 Ema