Monday, October 25, 2021

90 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

This last week has been one of the more challenging ones over the last 90.  I would just like to take a moment to reflect on that number.  90 weeks.  It sends chills down my spine.  My brain cannot compute how time, really life, continues to move, and so quickly.  

This week was one of those weeks where despite how much my heart aches and how much I miss you, I realize you are with us and orchestrating so much of what continues to happen with us and for us.  I will be honest, knowing you are "with" us in a different manner than physical does little for compensation, but it does help to feel your support, or rather your guidance. 

On Tuesday we found ourselves finally settling for the damages of the flood.  It led to a conversation with aba Wednesday morning before I started to work that left me ugly crying in the office, only for a coworker to walk in to see me.  I am sure that was also planned by you as she was the absolute perfect person for the moment.  She encouraged me to cry and listened as I attempted to talk through the tears about how challenging I am finding the prospect of losing your swim spa.  I know I don't ever want to go back into our "Phoenix" house.  I can't live in a house that has nothing of your room, and I don't want to.  Your swim spa though is more of a challenge for me to accept not being able to take.  After I paused, with tears in her eyes she began to tell me about her son and how he died.  My heart instantly knew you sent her to me.  She went on to tell me you won't ever be able to leave my heart.  You won't ever be able to leave my memories.  In my heart and mind is where you will forever be, and the rest, well it is just stuff.  Hashem knew those words had to come from her.  Lord help the average Joe without having lost a child who would have ever said that to me, but coming from someone further into this journey, I trust her words.  I know she is right.  I know despite how much the tears instantly fill my eyes, and how my heart breaks, she is right.  It is all just stuff.  The pictures, the memories, all of it within my heart and still is fresh, it is real, it is you part of our life and world forever.  Let me tell you though, I am still going to cry over the loss of the stuff.

Thursday morning we found ourselves signing a lease for an apartment.  Who would have ever thought we would be living the apartment life?! But, here we are...It won't be so long, just for a few months.  You have orchestrated some amazing happenings that are hard to ignore and show us how things really do happen for a reason and for the best.  Sometimes I wonder if you sacrificed yourself for your siblings and for us to be able to leave our old life.  Maybe your death isn't where this all started, but 90 weeks later I know you are making sure we all start this journey by really moving forward.  I will emphasize it is by no means emotionally easy.  There is a mixed semi-panic feeling like I am free-falling as I think about life continuing without your big stuff.  There is a part of me that's so afraid that without your stuff the memories won't be enough.  Then there is a part of me that says it is time for us to start on a new journey with you guiding us, with me allowing you to guide us, with me trusting in the plan that I have no awareness of.  There is a part of me that is excited over all the positives that are coming our way, but there is a fear of me fully trusting only to have my feet pulled out from under me like it always was as we lived life with you.  I am afraid to get too comfortable, to trust a little too much, to put my guard fully down.  

Motzei Shabbas brought me to the realization that our life and new life can coexist.  It allowed me to realize those close to us understand the circumstances of our situation.  I realize everyone understands our need to move forward despite that it means change. 

Yesterday your brother had his 3rd league hockey game.  I don't want to ask where you were, but clearly, you had other plans because I can tell you weren't there.  I will give you the same lecture I give your other siblings and remind you that I don't care what other plans you have, you need to come and support your brother.  That 2-8 loss was brutal Sonzee Bear...the least you could have done was throw a goal your brother's way.  Well, as aba would say, the least you could do was nothing...which you this weekend is a tournament in Scottsdale and I am going to tell you, that for all of his games I expect your attendance.  I know you are enjoying your freedom and all, but no excuses.

Anyway, little girl.

I miss you lots, hope you are doing well, and hope you visit me in my dreams soon.

Thank you for everything you have been bringing our way.

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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