Monday, October 18, 2021

89 weeks

Dear Sonzee,

Today will mark 89 complete weeks without you here. This time 89 weeks ago you were being held in my arms…in a few more hours it would be the last time I got to feel your weight, hold you, kiss you, and tell you in person “I love you.” I wonder if you even heard me?

This last week went by so quickly and as I sit here trying to recall everything that happened I always wish I had started to write this during the week so I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to tell you.  

The big highlights of this passed week were really that Tzvi had his first league game.  It was the 2nd time I’ve sat in that rink on the north side for a game since you weren’t with me.  Since you didn’t require us asking for the key to use the wheelchair elevator so you could sit in the stands.  It was the first time that nurse Paige sat and watched a game without keeping an eye on you.  It was amazing for her to be there with us, embracing the tram spirit with her purple and black, getting to see your brothers first official goal of the season, but it wasn’t the same without you.  You weren’t kicking off your boots, she wasn’t swiping your VNS magnet, she wasn’t trying to adjust a soft purple blanket fighting with you to not kick it off.  She just sat next to me and we talked like our only focus was on the hockey game. 
It brings me so much comfort that she’s still in our lives, but I know it’s not just me who misses all those things I just listed.

On a similar note to your absence, after you died I made it my mission to make dinner for Corrinne’s  family every time she was admitted to PCH.  It was just all I could do to sort of remain in the old world and knowing how nice it is to eat a home cooked meal and not pay $182736 for Starbucks coffee became my mission to ensure if I knew, her family got coffee and dinner.  Then, she went to be wherever you are and life without you girls changed us all drastically and even random coffee drops couldn’t occur because there was no way to know who would be home, so dinner making essentially stopped. Until last night, when your CDKL5 sister Charlotte was back in the hospital.  I had tried to make dinner the first time, but it didn’t happen. Yesterday I just told her mom it would be coming, and I made dinner, coffees, and might have even thrown in a couple of beverages that the hospital doesn’t sell.  That hospital life sucks! The least I can do is bring food and coffee knowing what I know about that life and the suckiness it brings. 

My heart misses you terribly and while I would never wish to enter those rooms on the 8th floor ever again, sometimes my heart wishes you were here to have that option. My barista level of coffee making is 100% attributed to you!  

Anyway baby girl!  I love and miss you! I hope you are staying safe and having a blast with all of your friends! Thanks for showing your brother some love yesterday and helping him with his first goal.  Thanks for bringing Nurse Paige and so many others into my life.  

Until next time.

Love always,

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