Today marks 85 weeks. I feel like it is one of those numbers that should earn me a medal of some sort. How this many weeks has gone by is so baffling. My brain cannot even compute what you might have been up to all of this time. What I would give to not have to imagine but to be able to truly know. I am slowly clawing my way out of the deeper folds of grief I have come to find myself in. It is a slow process and I had my turn of experiencing that these cycles of grief are sporadic, disorderly, unpredictable, and yet extremely repetative. It all sucks.
This week I was asked on two different occasions how many children I have. The first time I responded that it dependended on what context the question was being asked, it was clarified to mean "live births", so that allowed my answer to include you. The second time I did my typical stutter, and then said well, I had 5, I now physically have 4, but I had a daughter who died. The person then clarified and said, "so you have 5". Then we spent 30 minutes talking about you but how life has changed since you left us. The person mentioned how incredible I was for being able to talk about you. Truth is she just caught me in a "good moment". I do have those times where I can talk about you and not even flinch. Those moments confuse me, but I am grateful for them.
On Thursday we had Yom Kippur. The Yarhtzeit candle holder and red memorial lights I had purchased for you are packed away in storage so I ended up buying a 50 hour candle that had a quote on the jar about missing you and it smelled really pretty. I bought two, with two different fragrances. They might be my new go to. I didn't go to shul for Yizkor, I am happy I completed the fast, but I did feel really guilty I didn't get to go. I know I have another chance over Sukkot.
We moved to a new rental. We have this one currently for 6 weeks, but we are hoping to be able to extend it so we don't have to keep moving. We learned it will be 6 months before the house is ready. That gives us time to really figure out what your message is to us. But, really we cannot keep moving. Your siblings have been amazing, but it breaks my heart when I think about the chaos and heartache they have experienced for the last close to 2 years. They need some stability and for things in their lives to just level out. They have all at different times asked why bad things keep happening. I try to reframe it to be that they aren't exactly all bad things, but if I am fair, in their eyes, nothing has been overly positive. They are honestly doing incredible, but I can see where they each are cracking a bit and I am trying to help keep them together.
I still have not been to your grave. I am sorry. Someone told me I will get through this part and be back to it soon, it is just part of the process. I am waiting for it. I know I am slowly getting there because I have thoughts in my mind where I consider going vs not even entertaining the idea. I just wish this would get easier...but I know that won't ever be the case. Maybe if I knew you were able to be the you that you weren't able to be here with us, then it would be enough?
Anyway baby girl. Please stay safe and healthy. Please visit us. Keep sending your signs. You are missed and loved!!
Until next time.
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