The conversation moved onto something else because there was no amount of time to say anything that was circling in my mind aloud, also, what would have been the point?! But days later and the conversation is still fresh in my mind. I remember being told at the beginning of this grief journey I had 18 months before people will expect me to be over it. I remember feeling relieved every time I mentioned Sonzee died and I was met with a platitude vs hearing the words “you’re not over it yet?”, Or a similar knife cut phrase. But technically there are only 4 months left on my timer and then I guess the compassion runs out. What then?
How do you make someone understand that burying a child is something you NEVER will ever get over? Can someone who has not buried their child actually fully grasp that? Is it worth explaining that burying your child is NOT the same as burying a pet, a parent, a grandparent, a sibling and while maybe people can move on from those deaths, parents do not ever move on. (That is not to say any of those listed above should be moved on from either, it’s just to emphasize the loss of a child is not even on a comparable wavelength).
The worst part of hearing the words “oh, well it’s been so long, whatever”, was the reality that everyone else continues to move on. Life continues to move on. We look like we have moved on. We go out and Sonzee is not with us. We act like life is normal. There is no stark reminder that we once had 5 kids in tow. She is for all intents and purposes easy to forget. Maybe it’s our fault for not bringing her up in that moment? Would the statement have been said if they remembered that in a few decades I’ll be in the same boat of “it’s been so long, whatever”? I guess I would like to think if they remembered that they would not have said that or else that means they truly believe those words, and if that is the case, I have to ask when is my time up?
Ignore people who have the privilege of not understanding that when a parent loses a child, a hole in their heart will always be there. My mother passed away when I was 14. Her mother, my grandmother, lived to be 99 with a totally clear mind. I know that hole was still present when she was 99 because we talked about my mother from time to time. I had a hole in my heart too but it was quite clear to me, even at a young age, that when a parent loses a child, the hole is larger and present for the rest of their lives. She was happy, life went on, but she always missed her child.
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