I am not quite sure how I just typed "70 weeks" as the heading to my letter to you. How have I written you on 70 Mondays? The lump in my throat feels huge and the tears are already fighting with me. This part of life just doesn't make sense, probably because it focuses on your death. A concept that is honestly still challenging for my brain to wrap itself around. Children aren't supposed to be buried by their parents. You should have still been here these past 70 weeks. Then again, you should have been born with a healthy CDKL5 gene also, so I suppose that discussion is literally for another life.
This last week was spent packing your siblings for camp. I had a minor breakdown while packing Laeya as I realized I won't ever pack for you again. I packed some of her items into your large medical supply baggies, but not the ones that were still labeled with your information. Those I put back inside the largest bag and left them be. I won't remove your labels and I won't use the bags ever, but they won't ever be thrown out. Well, not by me or willingly at least. Some of your stuff will always remain, and that is just how it will be.
Laeya is a little nervous about how to mention you to all her potential camp friends. She asked me yesterday what would be the best way to mention you died. I think she is worried it can be too intense, but also I think she worries about not mentioning you. She wants to bring her Sonzee Bear, but she is worried about something happening to it. We will have to figure something out for her. I know you won't be too far from her while she is there, I hope she will feel your presence. Who am I kidding, she would feel it before me.
I have found myself so torn lately on this whole grief thing. Part of me wants to lean into the fact that this was G-d's plan, and the other part of me is just so angry that this could be part of any plan. It almost feels like I would be cheating if I attempted to accept the whole "plan" idea, but then part of me wonders if I did accept that if I would actually believe it if it would make me feel any better, and if so, for how long? It is just so hard. It all sucks. There is no way around the suck.
I am working on two projects that are inspired by you. One of them is expanding the PEMU PJ closet that we started. I am really excited about the direction that is heading. We have a matching donor that will match up to $4500 and we are at $736 but have some time to go. Regardless, we would be getting $1472 if it ended tomorrow and that is still amazing. The other project will be announced within the next 2 months and I am really excited! I would much rather you here, but you are making such a difference in your death, and I will continue to ensure that remains the case.
Anyway my love.
I hope you are staying healthy and having a great time. Be safe and remember you are loved and missed!
Until next time.
Post a Comment