One Year

Dear Sonzee, 

Today marks 365 days that have happened without you here.  I am unsure exactly how all of this time has actually gone by.  It's hard to believe a year ago you were our 4-year-old daughter and in 8 days you would be turning 6.  The concept of time has become this challenging foreign concept for my brain.  I wonder to myself if things will ever change if it will one day revert to some kind of comfortable, but I already know the answer is no.  Nothing about life continuing without you here will ever be comfortable.  It will just be what it is, whatever that ever is.

Nothing really makes sense.  It doesn't make sense that you were born with a spelling error on one of your 30,000 genes and it caused you to endure an entire lifetime of hardships and accommodations.  It makes less sense that after all of those hardships and attempts to create an increased quality of life for you, that you would then have to die.  There isn't even anyone to blame, I feel like that makes it even worse.  I can get angry, and I can cry, and I can experience every emotion under the sun, but I have no one to say hey, this was all your fault! I don't know if having someone or something to place the blame on would make me feel any better, but maybe it would give me a place to direct my feelings?

An entire year has gone by and there is no celebration.  There was no party, there was no cake, there were hardly even any smiles except the ones that were either forced or just situational because I try to surround myself with funny people.  There is something just so I don't know what about a day so significant that doesn't have an appropriate name or something extravagant to represent it.  I was thinking on my drive to you today how weird it is that today is a day of remembrance, and it will be yearly, but yet it isn't a day that I am eager to count down towards.  It isn't something happy I will ever look forward to.  It is actually a day I would prefer to dodge altogether, and a day that will come around every 364/365 days for me to focus extra on something that honestly never leaves my mind on any of the other days.

Today, February 3 will always be a day that represents a larger gap from the last moments we ever had together.  For this year what summarizes the 52 weeks and 2 days since I gave you your last kiss is that my mind still talks to you, and my heart still looks for you, but my soul knows you are at peace.

No matter the number of days that will continue to pass, my love for you will only continue to grow and my yearning to one day give you a cuddle and kiss on your cheek will only get greater.  Until next time my little bear.

Love always, 

Ema