52 Weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

52 weeks.  52 Mondays.  2 days away from an entire year on the gregorian calendar.  How? What? Why? I don't understand how it feels like it was this Monday, today, that I held you one last time and gave you a kiss on your cheek.  I can feel your weight in my arms, I can feel the softness of your cheek, I can remember my lips kissing your forehead, whispering in your ear, and the feeling of the curls on your head.  I hope and pray they are things I never forget, no matter how many Mondays continue to pass.

Last Monday I chaired my very first ambulatory PFAC meeting.  I was so nervous and relieved after I finished when everyone told me I did a good job.  I took so many notes for our meeting that is happening today, I am still just as nervous, but maybe I feel calmer after today.  This past week was fairly routine for all of us, except aba went to visit savta so I was flying solo all week.  We all made it through and your siblings even stepped up their games by preparing their snacks, water bottles, and masks the night before school so we don't have to be scrambling in the mornings.  They still enjoy sleeping in every school day and waking up ridiculously early over the weekend, but I don't know if that will ever change.  

We were supposed to go to Bear Pines over the weekend, but your siblings can be really lame sometimes and they decided they didn't want to sit in the car. I went up yesterday with bubbie and there was so much snow piled to the side of the roads, I was in awe.   Our Snowzee that measures the snowfall is completely buried, I had to laugh, clearly, we got a wee bit more snow than she can measure.  Our driveway has a nice clear path thanks to someone we have come and clear that and porch off when there is more than 6inches at a time falling, and the drainage area to the side is completely packed with snow, so it is actually making our driveway a bit bigger.  However, you have to park away from the sides because if not you cannot open the car door.  On that note, the backdoor is pretty comical to look out of, considering the snow is halfway up.  You can hardly see the bridge, and forget the rocks.  I went to the mailbox and laughed as I climbed 3ft up to open the box to check inside.  There are so many icicles hanging from the roof and they are taller than Noam, and maybe even Meena, I took pictures from the side, they could surely cause harm if they fall on anyone.

Today starts FBC returning in person, I am seeing my virtual caseload today, and starting in person tomorrow.  I am planning on going to West Valley, Wednesday, but I am honestly unsure how that might work out.  I may attempt to show up and see how it goes, I just don't know how I will feel, but it might be nice to be there. It's all so hard.  

I still don't have anything planned for Wednesday? What do you even plan? I can't. There is nothing to celebrate, just to honor, and that lately just involves tissues, tears, cheesecake, wine, and painting rocks.  52 weeks of this and I still have nothing figured out, it still feels awful.  I was able to tell someone yesterday that on Wednesday it will be a year since you died.  I didn't cry saying the words, so that was a plus?  The tears started to come shortly after when I continued to tell them about why we named Bear Pines what it is, and why there are bears and red accents. So I guess I can count delayed tears as a positive baby step?

I am torn between waiting for a time that things get easier, or different, and afraid of when that time might occur. It all sucks, it always will, but knowing you are at peace means it isn't sucking for you and that makes me as happy as I could possibly be.  I miss you beyond any words and love you the same.  Until next time.

Love always, 

Ema