My Dear Sonzee,
A year ago, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, and five years ago you were dressed in a Thanksgiving day outfit. Today, not one of us is wearing anything specifically for Thanksgiving, but I did paint a themed rock for you. Today is one of those days where everyone will say how they are thankful for their families and whatever else is a blessing and perfect in their lives. Today is one of those days where many people will feel this emptiness within their hearts and do their best to focus on what they have or what is good in their lives, but it won't make a difference. Today is just one of those days that I have been dreading. Luckily for me, your brother's Hebrew birthday also happens to fall today, so while I feel utterly unprepared, it at least replaces the emphasis of the day. I have to admit, as far as birthdays are concerned, I have really slacked in that department as well.
As usual, I made plans, Hashem through a curveball, and although I figured out a way to work around it, I didn't hit a home run. Luckily your little brother is a chill kid who just wants to eat candy and know what items have been sitting in the packages on the counter for him, so I think I got a free pass. If I am honest, his birthday is a slight distraction, but really, today sucks without you here! I honestly wasn't sure, but I feared it would be awful and it turns out it is exactly that. I miss you not being here to wear a special turkey outfit with your sisters. I miss the cute hair accessory I would have gotten for you. I am just really done with this whole you never coming back situation and missing LIFE here with us. I tried to buy your sisters' matching dresses, but in the end, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't plan a themed menu. I couldn't plan anything related to today. Instead, I bought an air fryer and decided to completely ignore anything related to the day specifically. Your father insisted on getting Turkey legs, so while I am cooking a Turkey soup, there won't be any other indicator today is Thanksgiving.
I guess this whole dealing with grief thing means I need to acknowledge where I am at on the journey, and where I am at today is beyond 100% thankful for COVID19 making all of the normal plans impossible to happen. I won't lie, thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about the fact that I don't have to put on a fake smile and pretend it's such a fantastic day. I didn't even send myself flowers for today, because I am refusing to even acknowledge today is anything more than just the last Thursday of November of 2020. While I am thankful for your brothers and sisters and all that we have, the reality is that I am just not ready to give that more weight than the fact that I shouldn't have to rationalize a positive to make up for the fact that you aren't here.
But, my love, wherever you are today, please know that what I am beyond thankful for is the fact that you will NOT be seizing today. You will NOT experience any pain today. So I will do my best to try to remind myself that you are in a better place, I just wish that both worlds could come together because, my baby girl, you should be here, I wish somehow you could be here.
Love always,
Ema
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