9 Months

My Dearest Sonzee Bear, 

Today marks 9 months since you were last here.  Your 9-month rock will be placed later on today.  It is overwhelming insanity that this much time has passed by, but much like life while you were here, I can remember every moment as if it just occurred.  Only 3 short months are remaining until it will have been an entire year.  The mere thought of that makes me gasp.  How? What? I don't really understand.  If I was asked to rank the last 9 months of my grief, I would have to say this month has been the most challenging for me, yet the most productive.  I think the two go hand in hand.  The productivity is definitely due to me trying to find a way to channel all of my emotions. The sad part, despite being thrilled with all that has come to fruition, in all honesty, it doesn't change the pain from you not being here or soften the blow or even attempt to heal the hole that is still ever-present at my core.

This month I have at least come to accept that my grief is extremely heavy and all-encompassing, but avoiding it isn't helpful.  While I acknowledge where I am at, I am still not exactly ready to dive into it with completely open arms.  I will just take a page from your book and focus on small little Sonzee-stones.  Eventually, slowly but surely, on my own time, just not right now.  I am giving myself points for the revelation itself, the rest will have to wait.

I can't figure out exactly what shifted, but your siblings have been wanting to participate in their grief groups this month.  Laeya mentioned she has been feeling nostalgic for you, and so the timing couldn't have been better that her photo book of you and her arrived.  This caused Noam to want to look at the book he has of you and him, and in general, he asks to watch videos of you regularly.  Meena and Tzvi have both been asking me about their photo books.  They are both on my need to get done list.  As a family unit, there is nothing that could be more true than everyone grieves individually.  The challenge is there are 6 of us, and none of us are amazing at articulating our emotions.  Half the time it's the hindsight that makes it apparent it was grief-related.  There is not really a guidebook and we are all just trying to do our best sorting it all out, it just feels a little chaotic to me. 

Bear Pines has gotten multiple bookings and we have been getting all the final touches in order.  I replaced all of the Co2 monitors and smoke detectors this week, ordered a few more items for the coffee bar to add variety, the heat upstairs and downstairs works perfectly, we are only shy 3 new sets of cordless blinds, and I am excited for the rain and snow to begin to fall more regularly so restrictions can be lifted and we can begin to roast some marshmallows outside in the bear & pine tree fire pit.  On that note, this weekend calls for snow, and it just so happens we are doing our first set of official family photos since we last did them with you.  If it really ends up snowing I will be so excited!  Don't worry, you will be with us every step of the way, and I will make sure to have tissues nearby for when I inevitably cannot take the fact that you are physically missing.

On that note, guess what?! Uncle FINALLY got married!! I know, Auntie A and I are still a little shocked ourselves!  We couldn't go because it was in New York and we were not getting on an airplane during this pandemic, but we watched over zoom.  We had your bear and mermie as your picture place holder.  Laeya felt it was best to use Aba and my Sonzee bear because they were your last pair of pajama's worn and they were polka-dotted just like our outfits, so it was meant to be.  It was the first of many family occasions we will have to get used to celebrating minus your attendance.  It feels like a punch to the gut and it makes it really difficult to fully enjoy the experience, BUT we all survived, we all smiled, and we all thought and spoke about you the entire time. 

The last thing I wanted to share with you about this month is that we launched your PEMU pajama closet at PCH!  We are starting out small with just 25 pajamas and will then grow.  At max capacity they are willing to put 100 in the closet, so we are all going to see how the initial introduction goes and move from there.  I started a fundraiser on Facebook and have already to the moment raised over $800 to purchase pajamas.  I am really excited! This will certainly cover the first batch and anything else raised will go towards our second batch.  I finally feel like Sonya's Story has found its niche, other than supporting all the organizations that helped you on your journey, this so perfect. I am just disappointed it wasn't thought of sooner.

I hope you are having an incredible time wherever you are.  Remember that you are loved and missed and always thought of!  Please consider visiting me!  I miss you incredibly!!

Love always, 

Ema

PS: "They say you are in a better place

and I sure would be too if I could see your face"