Monday, November 23, 2020

42 Weeks

Dear Sonzee, 

Hey baby girl. I can't believe it has only been one week since I last wrote to you because so much has happened, I am honestly not even sure where to start.

To begin with, we got back the first family photos that we took without you at Bear Pines.  They are absolutely amazing, except that we had to have a stand-in for you.  They were the best stand-ins we could find, but nothing will ever be able to replace you, so it was as good of an attempt as can be. They are honestly perfect for the situation, but I can't look at them all at once or for too long without the tears coming to the surface.   It's a shame you couldn't have been part of the red buffalo plaid theme because you would have totally rocked it!  Nurse Paige would have done your hair to the nines and you would have loved the cold breeze. I considered changing my cover picture on Facebook, but couldn't.  I thought if I left you and me as my actual profile picture it could work, but I am just not ready with that idea. 

We are starting to rent out Bear Pines more often now, it gives me such joy to be able to share its essence with those who want to experience it.  There is definitely something so magical about it, although I might just be biased.  After our most recent guests, I have some other items I want to incorporate and fix up a little bit, but overall it has come together perfectly.  The ice rink was delivered at the beginning of last week, so I am excited to get back up there and get that all setup.  We initially had planned on going up for Thanksgiving because I wanted a change in scenery, but then all of our quarantining efforts were essentially voided when aba's employee came to work with COVID19, and now it is in our house.  The irony of the fact that we have been probably the most careful, cautious, and quarantined family for the last 9+ months has not failed to be seen.  The good news is that when we are all done with this, we will enter back into the world. 

The weirdest thing is it happened exactly a year to the date of Saba's passing on the Hebrew calendar as if to say that we all need to move on already and that you and he are fine.  At least that is how aba and I are taking it.  I have been so afraid to move forward without you I have been using COVID19 as my crutch and excuse, but the sad reality is, we all need to do it...and I know that it's what is best for your siblings and for myself as well, no matter how horribly painful it is.  The truth is, you aren't here in this house, we don't have to protect you anymore.  In fact, you are free, you don't need any protection, and it's time for your siblings to live their lives.  Our first order of business after our quarantine and when we are completely free of symptoms will be to visit friends out of state.  I went on Amazon and I ordered the girls and I gold sequin boots for hockey games, along with sun devil face masks and beanies.  I am not even going to lie and say this is going to be easy at all, but we need to begin to move forward.  We will send your siblings to school but I do plan to stay virtual so I can actually have the time I need to deal with all of the emotions of grief that I have not been dealing with.  These next 10 weeks and into year 2 is probably going to be significantly harder than the current one...but it is what it is.

Speaking of your siblings, your eldest sister is having a tough time lately missing you.  Maybe you could pop in to see her or send her a sign or something.  She is more like me with this whole grief thing.  It is just tough.  Like she said, it went from losing you to coronavirus restrictions and it's just a lot.  She carries the weight of the world on her little 10-year-old shoulders and I wish she would cut herself some slack.  I am most excited for her to be able to get back to seeing most of her friends in school.  She really needs it.

We made our first luminary for you through Hospice of the Valley and watched your picture on the televised light up a life special on channel 7.  You were literally the 2nd to the last group of pictures because of the alphabet.  Auntie A and I were laughing at how I had never wanted to marry anyone lower than T and here we were.  M's took 20 minutes, it was insane.  Anyway, we all decorated the luminary and lit it up.  We now have it to add for the nights we light candles in your honor.

Anyway, my love, I think that was a lot for this week.  Remember I love and miss you incredibly!  I hope, but deep down know, you are doing amazing things!  

Until next time.

Love always, 

The Mighty Contributor

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