Friday, November 16, 2018

Preparations...continued...

I sat down to write this post last night after the word "preparation" kept running through my mind.  I knew it would be the perfect title for what I anticipated writing, but I also felt like I had used the word before as another blog post title.  Funny enough that only a couple of months after I began blogging in 2015 my first post about preparations was written, and 3 years and 4 months later this post rings eerily true and similar as we embark on another path of uncertainty.

It is a weird experience to keep repeating similar but completely different situations.  The groundhog day effect aura lingers but each challenge, each discussion, and each decision is ultimately independently determined despite the influence of the past.  I find it fascinating that no matter how many times we go around this merry-go-round I am no better off prepared to make any of these life altering decisions.

Every day this week I have been playing out the best case scenario of what could come in my mind.  I am partially proud of myself for (apparently) still having some hope and faith I was not aware I had, and partially annoyed with myself for even attempting to think that things could actually work out in reality how they are in my dreams.  I do not have the stomach to even consider the worst case of these decisions because it is just too much for me to even process.  Too loaded.  Too much guilt.

I just keep telling myself that we are doing what she needs.  We are making our choices based on what we feel is best for her overall quality of life and well being.  We are making our choices with HER best interest at heart, and so to quote myself, "[I] have to trust myself and my knowledge, and pray that I have enough of a foundation to get it right."


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