Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Anticipation

Last Thursday I wrote a message to one of Sonzee's doctors after we had finished the last of two important appointments we had last week.  Every time my hospital app sent me a notification I was hoping it was her, but each time it was not.  I don't know what kept me from sending her a follow up message to check if she received the first one, but I just did not.  Maybe it was that I knew she would be handling things behind the scenes and eventually get back to me, or maybe it was because I didn't really want to hear what she was going to say.  Either way I let things go.

This morning Sam handed me the phone and it was Sonzee's doctor's nurse.  I knew it was her before she told me it was her just by her voice when she said "hello".  I listened to everything she said but despite my participation in the conversation my mind was 100 miles away attempting to process everything that is coming our way.  I do not know if it is even anything I will fully be able to process until I get to play the "hindsight" card 6 months from now.  If I let myself start to accept these feelings I immediately get sick, so I have been doing my best to just push it all away.  I honestly do not know if that is smart, and irregardless it is working less and less.

I spent half of my day yesterday either successful with my endeavor to ignore my emotions and the other half warding off the anxiety attacks that kept occurring.  I know change is inevitable when it comes to potentially improving Sonzee's quality of life, but the risks that accompany the potential for success are sometimes scary to justify, yet necessary to face.  If only that crystal ball could give us a sneak peak at the future and allow us a cheat at knowing how things will unfold.  I know that is not how this whole game of life works, but oh how I wish it were.

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