Monday, January 29, 2018

How? Why? When?

Seizures have been consistently horrific since their debut (again) after the brief VNS miracle wore off back in July, however, this month it appears Sonzee is about to break her personal monthly record.  With three days of January still remaining, as of Sunday she was tied for October and December with a minimum of 415 minutes spent actively seizing each of those months...that is at least 6.917 hours.  Those numbers do not represent any questionable activity or brief spasms (even in clusters).  She has required at least one rescue medication a week since October, and we are extremely conservative with giving her those.  I am at a loss for words, I really do not understand, how does this happen? when is this horror going to stop? what is left for us to do?

I know this is what life is when CDKL5 is the diagnosis, but I am having such a difficult time accepting this for Sonzee.  She hardly complains except when the seizures are so horrible for her that they cause her to whimper afterward.  She puts up with every episode like a champ, sometimes even continuing on with whatever activity she was previously doing rather than falling asleep.  Regardless of how she handles each one, none of them are okay, none of them should be happening.  Why won't they just stop?  Why won't these medications we throw at them actually work?  Why is there absolutely nothing we can do for her?

I have become so used to seizures being part of our daily routine, their shock value has become nonexistent to me despite how dangerous they are and can potentially be.  I vividly remember the days when I wondered who would let their child seize 30 seconds much less 2 minutes before administering a rescue medication like the directions stated.  Now I wonder how I could possibly give her a rescue med at only 2 minutes when she will typically stop on her own around 5-6 minutes.  I have found myself saying, "what's 10 minutes?"  Are the addictive properties better or worse than the potential brain damage she could be experiencing?  Her brain activity isn't typical regardless, so I would prefer she not be exposed to more medications and so the clock can tick on. 

I wish someone could tell me how any part of this should be considered normal?, or why she continuously has to suffer? or when it will stop.  If I could have one wish granted it would be for her to wake up and have a functional CDKL5 gene, but until then I will continue to wonder how? why? and when?

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