Monday, January 15, 2018

Focus

In 27 days we will be celebrating Sonzee turning three years old.  There are so many emotions accompanying my preparation for this day.  Three years.  It will have been three years from the day our family began the wildest ride of our lives and the day our little bear began a life full of hardships no person should ever have to endure, much less a baby/toddler/preschooler.  It will also be a day we weren't sure she would be here to celebrate with us, so I am doing my best to focus on this as the theme and toss out the heartache that comes with celebrating another year of struggles she will be sure to endure.

I cannot lie, there is honestly so much heartache that every moment is a struggle to remain focused on the fact that she is here with us; simply because of the daily price she pays.  I do not know why it is currently weighing so heavily recently.  I can only attribute it to watching her seize so often and be locked inside her body for her entire life to date.  I have this constant lump in my throat as I force myself to hold back tears over these thoughts, but mama bears heart feels like it has been stabbed a million times, and sadly I know one day it will fully break.  As we get deeper into this journey, it all gets harder to accept.


On paper Sonzee is turning three in just 27 days, but there is nothing that represents that fact if you see her in person.  She is an almost 23-pound, 34 inch three-year-old who cannot sit unassisted, has limited control over her body's purposeful movements, and is nonverbal.  It is not about "needing to focus on the positives", these are simply the facts.  Facts that are making this soon to be birthday celebration a bit clouded.  I wish I knew how to have tunnel vision, but for now I suppose part of this journey is learning to accept what each moment throws at me and deal with it in the best way I can.



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