Wednesday, December 28, 2016

It is what it is...for now

It's been 22.5 months since Sonzee started us on this unique journey of ours. It didn't start out as a special needs lifestyle, just as a "sick child" journey, but quickly turned into one.  Along the way my relationships with others have changed and I assume they will continuously.  Having a special needs child does that.  It pretty much takes the life you were living and thought you would live and exchanges it for something...different.

It is a weird place I have found myself in.  I want to have friends who have typical children in my life, but some days I don't want to see all of the "normal" parenting issues.  On some days it takes a special amount of strength to be empathetic to a friend who only has typical children.  It's also challenging to maintain relationships with others who don't have a medically complex kid because no matter what they just don't understand our position.  

On the other hand, it is suffocating to live in the land of medically complex.  There are only so many times my brain can process a child's death or the detrimental way a common cold can impact a child with complex needs.  I cannot be sane if all I am exposed to are the negative realities of sick children.  Yet these moms are the only ones who do get it on all levels.  We may not have children with the same conditions, but we all understand life in a different way than prior to what we live now.

I continue to see my Facebook feed fill up with brand new healthy babies, I am so happy for my friends, but I also wonder "why us?"and "What would our life look like had Sonzee been born without the mutation?"  I am not jealous in the sense that I wish Sonzee wasn't Sonzee, but I do have days of resentment.  Maybe that makes me a bad person?  Maybe over time that will change?  For now I guess, it is what it is.


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