Monday, November 21, 2016

Deja Vu'

Pretty much since I started blogging I have followed a similar routine when it comes time to write my posts.  For the most part, I wait until all of the kids are in bed, I pour myself a glass of wine (or two), and I open YouTube so I can listen to the same song on repeat.  I am unsure if it is because of the message of the song, the notes of the music, or the actual lyrics, but what is a guarantee are the tears that flow on cue when I press play.  I guess that is why this has become the perfect therapeutic outlet for me.

The last month or so has been another tough one over here at Sonya's Story, especially for me.  There has been this lingering feeling of deja vu', I can feel it in my bones.  It is an eerie feeling; I know that we have traveled this path before.  One of Sonzee's biggest battles is with her GI system.  In May, she spent 28 days in the hospital and four days prior to me showing up at the ER frustrated out of my mind I wrote this post.  I am about at the exact same level of frustration, maybe even more because I have lived through that hell once already; I do not want to do it again.  I am just as sad as I am frustrated because I am fearful of my gut.  My gut has said since her labs in August that things are not what they appear.

I am so incredibly broken on the inside because I really do not know if there is anything we can do for her.  This has to be the absolute worst feeling to have as a parent.  I have been in touch with her team daily and/or weekly depending on their involvement, we are trying everything we can, but we do not even know what is really going on inside her complicated little body.  I know she is miserable.  I know she is frustrated we cannot figure out what she is telling us.  I know we are doing our best, but I also know our best just is not good enough, again. 

We are back at the drawing board, we are going to run labs, we are going to see results, but there still might not be anything we can do for her.  My feeling (and biggest fear) is that her intestines are following in the same path as her stomach.  I wish we knew what made her stomach stop working so we could figure out why it is happening to her intestines.  I am feeling like we are headed for a really steep drop on this coaster and I just hope my harness is on tight enough for this one.

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