Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Panic attack

"It was a panic attack", I explained to Sam.  It's happened to me before so I know the symptoms and overall feeling.  At the time he told me to sit down, take deep breaths, use my inhaler, and drink some water.  After some time, it worked, and things became balanced.  The problem is I don't know what exactly started it from a psychological perspective and I don't know why I still have remnants of it.  At the time the contributing factor was a coconut based food item and my constant fear that I will develop the same allergy as the rest of my family as I age.  I have seen an allergist and received testing to confirm that I am in fact not allergic and it is "all in my head and due to stress". Yet I can't be around a nut product knowingly and not have it be a trigger.

It's a day shy of a week since the incident and I still have the heavy restricting feeling in my chest.  On occasion my heart races and the panicking gets worse.  Why?  I know there is a lot going on in decision land and I am still preoccupied with the loss of her CDKL5 brother, Jakob.  I just don't know how to shake it off, and I don't know how long it will last.  Will my life always be like this or does it eventually get easier to compartmentalize all of my thoughts and emotions?

I have done so much better the last couple of months taking care of myself and making sure I take me time.  I should probably curb my coffee intake and maybe sleep more than 3 hours a night, but truth be told I don't think either of those are possible right now.  I don't know how to make these attacks stop and I don't think they will on their own...so I guess the next step is just learning how to handle them because they are probably par for the course.