It has been 30 days and 12 hours since our little bear had a
seizure (as of this post being written, and I hope by the time this publishes I
do not have to make any corrections.) I can still remember the exact way
she looked, where we were, who else was present, and the emotions that flooded
through me. I have a feeling that no matter what length of time that may
pass, the details of her past seizures will always be there in my mind and
haunt me. Every body movement, eye roll, and sound that she makes sends a
jolt through me that takes my breath away. I often wonder if that will
ever subside.
She is doing
absolutely fantastic in so many ways. Her head control is the best it has
been in her life. People that do not often see her make comments on how
healthy she looks and how big she has gotten. While she does not look
directly at people who walk up to her, if someone talks to her in an excited
manner and they wait patiently, she will give them one of her signature smiles.
It does depend on her mood how big or small the grin is, but she loves to
give them out. She loves to be around people and to interact. In
the past when she was upset, she preferred to be left to herself, but yesterday
I did my usual "try anyway" approach, and she actually fell asleep
while we were cuddling in my bed. A moment that may never occur again,
but was photographed and etched into my mind forever. How long will this
last?
Others have asked
me this question AND I cannot lie, I wonder the answer myself. I also
wonder if I actually want to know the answer.
There used to be a part of me that would say "yes", please tell
me how much longer our Sonzee bear has of being free from the havoc of
seizures. I would rationalize that I would need to know so I could enjoy
every second and truly cherish the moments. If I was at a different point
on this journey, my answer might not be the answer I am comfortable with right
now. However, I know what is different and I know why.
Not so long ago I
wrote a post about change and how
the entire concept confused me in regards to what roll "change" had
on me. I look back at the past four months, I can see how I am different,
and I can even tell you why. I can tell you that during Sonzee's 28-day
hospitalization at Phoenix Children's Hospital there were days I actually
pictured walking out of the doors without her coming home. The thoughts I
had during some of those days are honestly too challenging to relive just yet,
but I can tell you they did make a positive impact to the me of now. So
if you ask me now if I want to know when this dream will end, the answer is NO!
I can promise you that I am enjoying every moment to the fullest, and I
am cherishing every typical and atypical Sonzee moment she has to offer.
Even the Type A part of me is quietly hushed in the corner knowing all
too well that her opinion does not matter.
Whatever amount of
time we are afforded with our bear in general and as a bonus with her being
seizure free we will take with gratitude and appreciation. Despite the
bated breath that each movement, eye roll, and sound she makes brings to me I
will continue to be grateful for each minute that she is not in pain and that
she is not seizing. No matter what happens to her seizure control, no one
can take away the past 30 days and 12 hours of pure peace and joy that we have
all been fortunate enough to experience.
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