Thursday, June 23, 2016

Change

It is close to midnight and my eyes are so tired that it is a constant battle to keep them open.  It is getting to the point that the blurry vision is getting more challenging to blink away.  Each blink clears them up a bit, but then within a millisecond, they are fighting the weight again and I have to blink multiple times and rub them to be able to focus.  Now comes the million dollar question, Why am I still awake?

Since adulthood, I have never been the best sleeper.  Scratch that, since I became a mom I have honestly lost all capabilities of going to sleep, and forget staying asleep.  We can casually blame it on nerves, worrying, the fact that nighttime is the only time I can get things done, and the fun fact that 50% of my children prefer to sneak into my bed multiple times throughout the night, steal the blankets, take over my space, and hope I do not notice their presence.  If I am honest, those are all fancy excuses for the fact that nighttime is the time I get most of my inspiration in terms of my blog posts.  It is the time I am most in touch with my emotions, the time I allow myself to reflect on the day, and the time I am able to decompress and process everything that is going on within my life and around me.

Tonight as I sat in front of the computer screen trying to figure out what I wanted to share, I started to think about the events of this past week.  In a short summary our house air conditioner broke on Sunday, our cars compressor melted (YES IT MELTED) on Monday, and our brand new car's (that we purchased Tuesday) air conditioner fizzled out on Wednesday.  Looking back at the past 4 days, I am left with my usual mixture of emotions.  

  • Thankful that if something had to happen it was to inanimate objects and not Sonzee or one of our other children.  
  • Amazed that if we did not have questionable luck we really would not have any luck.  (<-which reminds me, we REALLY need to start playing the lottery, because our chances of winning are surely MORE than the amount of rare things that can occur to one family).  
  • Numb.
  • Confused by how I feel about it all.
When I think about me prior to Sonzee, I think of how my reaction to this past week of events would have been very different.  Maybe better in some ways, but not in others.  I think how I probably would have been so excited that Sam actually went out and bought me a NEW 2016 vehicle, not a used one.  If you knew Sam, this is HUGE.  Yet, I am not excited I am honestly indifferent.  I am angry with myself for not doing a happy dance down the street, but the truth is, I am incapable of getting excited about such an "insignificant" thing.  It is a car.  I think how "not normal" it is that when replaying the events aloud I actually said, "Well, if bad things had to happen at least it wasn't Sonzee dying".  (<-because that is a normal parent thought)  I think how I might have gotten more mad prior to Sonze, but overall, I just do not care.  


To be honest, what bothers me more than anything else is that I am numb.  I miss feeling more normal.  I think how I am just a shell of the person I once was.  I have some parts of me that are the same, but a huge part of me is no longer here.  I wonder if it will ever return.  I keep wondering if I am supposed to go back to the old me, or was the old me not who am I supposed to be?  Is one of my tasks simply to be able to overcome all these obstacles AND find my way back to myself, or am I supposed to become something better?  Just to give you a sneak peek into the workings of my tired brain, I will leave you with three quotes that represent my current thoughts...







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