Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Disappointed but not surprised

I am disappointed, but not surprised.  I assumed it would only be a matter of time before her little seizure freedom vacay came to an abrupt end.  I wish it could have lasted 40 days.  I can only describe my feelings as similar to planning a vacation around a blizzard or a hurricane.  You hope and pray that you will make your flight and your trip will not be cancelled because you know at some point the weather will make everything close down.  In the back of your mind, you can still envision the fun that will ensue if you should be so lucky to make it to your final destination.  When it is time to be on your way you learn that your flight will be cancelled and they do not know when they can re-book you.  You are angry, sad, and extremely disappointed, though this was not shocking news, so you turn to plan B.

I wish we had a plan b.  I mean we do in a sense, we actually have a plan b, c, d, and e, but just like most plan B's they are not as good as the original plan and honestly, I just want my original plan back.  Oh wait, that plan has not been followed since 2/11/15, so I guess I will just suck it up and continue with the windy path that we are following.  I do not want to apologize for my bitterness, but I probably should.  I am just so sad and frustrated right now.  I wanted this seizure freedom to last longer, although I know deep down that is such a selfish request.  Plenty of children who have a CDKL5 mutation are not afforded 39 miraculous days of peace and tranquility.  I really am truly grateful for the time she had free of all of the fogginess in her little brain, and I can only pray this little setback will not turn back into the full-blown chaos it once was.

I can tolerate their return as long as they do not steal our little bear away.  I am willing to compromise as long as they are not relentless and unforgiving.  I know what they are capable of and I just pray they are in the mood to negotiate.  All of our potential plans are currently in a holding pattern as we figure out what the best move will be.  It is always a delicate balance between bringing out the nukes, the tanks or waiting and watching.  I also need some more time to wrap my head around the fact that our vacation has been cut short and we have not received our new itinerary.  

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