Today I found myself in one those situations that my brain has not figured out exactly what to make of. I finally took Sonzee in for her long overdue well visit. She has been in many times since June for shots, sick visits, and sometimes just because I feel it has been too long since we have seen her pediatrician, but not necessarily for a "well visit". We are so far behind on her well visits and vaccinations that the form listed this as her "15 month" well check. Just so we are all on the same page this should have in fact been a delayed "18-month" visit because she is actually 19 months old.
As I sat in the waiting room, to our left was a baby girl who looked like she was in for her 6-month well visit, and to our right was a brand new hot off the presses baby who was probably in her car seat for the second time since birth. I looked back and forth between these two babies and of course at Sonzee who was repeatedly trying to remove her tube from her nose, again, for the 100th time. Depending on which baby I looked at, different thoughts entered into my mind.
As I looked at the 6 month old I had the biggest grin on my face because she was so cute trying to eat one of those pages from the "can't rip, can't be destroyed" paperback book collection that my children did managed to actually destroy. She was so excited as she intently looked at the book trying to figure out a way to be successful in her various attempts to complete her mission. My thoughts started to say, "Phew, at 6 months these parents would know, this baby does not have CDKL5".
To my right, this little baby girl sat snugly in her infant car seat. She was so much smaller than the seat; it looked as if the seat was swallowing her up. Her head tilted to the left and she would periodically open her eyes and look around. She looked so sweet and so perfect. As I looked at her all my mind could think was, "when Sonzee was that old, we had no idea". I noticed her parents looking at Sonzee each time I readjusted her tube. I am completely speculating, but I can bet that at least one of their thoughts wondered why Sonzee had the tube in her nose. I know I have been guilty in the past of seeing a child and wondering about them and secretly fearful if my child would be in a similar situation. (I am sure that is not at all surprising about me). For these parents, if they had asked me, (although rare) this isn't even something I could reassure them wouldn't be the case at their daughter's age.
There was no part of me that felt envious or jealous of those babies. There was no part of me that was saddened by our situation at all. I know that means I have changed so much since our little bear’s diagnosis. I honestly do not know what to make of my thoughts, if there is anything to make of them at all. I hope the parents of both of those girls celebrate each and every little milestone they make as they grow and develop. I hope and pray that neither of those babies have any type of genetic mutations in their bodies and they can grow up living happy and healthy lives. I hope for Sonzee that she continues to bring a smile to my face with her sassy shenanigans, amazing wide mouth numerous tooth grin, and her cutesy personality. But something I do wonder about, is if there will ever be a time that I will look at things without "pre or post diagnosis" thoughts.
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