Monday, April 18, 2016

Keep going

I am pretty sure it was quite obvious that by the end of last week I hit a personal low.  Those times are never easy to acknowledge or admit aloud, but thankfully this blog and all of the support that accompanies it has allowed me to really feel and embrace the emotions that come with being a parent of a child who has special needs.  There is always beauty in this chaotic and insane life I am a part of, but some days I do not want to see it.  Some days I just want to schedule some me time to wallow in self-pity, eat unhealthy foods, drink a glass a wine (or a frozen margarita) and just feel all of the pain that I work so hard to keep bottled up inside.  I feel like every once and a while it is okay to take a day to feel sorry for myself, but then I need to come back to reality and embrace the position that I have been placed into.

It is usually after I experience the darker days that I am more rejuvenated to get back on the horse.  I feel a sense of eagerness and excitement to tackle the tough times, embrace the joy, and celebrate the tiniest fetes.  It is as if my old blood has been replaced with healthier more positive blood that helps me to better function.  Once I "return" there is a sense of ease that sits within me, a new appreciation for the role I am playing in this life.  It is at this point, where I give in to the fact that I have no control over what the future holds and I just need to buckle up.

After a year, I can say this is my favorite part of the coaster.  The part right after the harness comes down across my chest and I tug it slightly to ensure it is secure and the coaster car pulls away to embark on the slow ascend to the top.  This is the part where I get to dangle my feet and think about everything that lies ahead with a sense of eagerness and slight tinge of fear.  The part where the course of the coaster is unknown but knowing deep down it is sure to be a thrilling ride.  It is during this time that I feel every emotion in me, but the sheer energy within me brings about a huge smile.  It is at this point when the Rascal Flatts song "Stand" fills my head and I just have to brace myself for the descent of the coaster.

"when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand"

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