Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Strength

Between Sonya and her brother, I think I slept 4 hours last night, and that was definitely not consecutively.  I woke up this morning as can be imagined, exhausted.  I packed up Sonya's sister to be dropped at her aunts as Sonya and I headed to swim.  We got into the pool and as Sonya was warming up, I was watching all the other children.  How easy it was for them to hold up their heads.  How cheerful their parents were when they were discussing their "typical mommy conundrums".  I used to be one of those parents.  I miss being one of those parents.  

I miss leaving the house not worrying about whether I packed Sonya's medications.  I miss not having to stress whether I actually gave her her medications or if the alarm was turned off prematurely by an assisting big sibling. I miss not having to worry when or if she is going to have a seizure or if I missed one shortly after I placed her into her car seat. I miss not having to wonder when my
emotions will get the best of me.  What I miss most, is not having to be so strong.

I have found that strength manifests itself in many forms.  The spiritual form of strength for me comes when I need to rely on G-d to get me through this.  How unfair I think that I have to rely on the one entity that is essentially responsible for this situation.   I do believe deep down that just like a child who does not understand why something is done for him/her by his/her parent that G-d knows what he is doing, but just like that child I am not happy about.  I would like to scream and shout and throw myself on the floor in a big tantrum.  But I can't.  

We as humans can only control so much.  In this case what I can control are my emotions.  I can put on my smile every morning and eventually I am happy just because I have told myself I am.  I get excited over the little things, but then I am only human, and the excitement transforms itself into anger, sadness, and/or fear.  I have to keep these feelings under control because I have 4 little children.  They can't be watching their mommy cry all day. I don't want to get angry at them when they spill a drink just because I am upset over something completely unrelated.  This is tiring.

I also have to be physically and mentally strong.  Do you know for every little head raise Sonya performs, I have to spend the same amount of time crouched on the floor, speaking in a high pitch voice encouraging her on like a high school cheerleader?!  Did any of you do cheer? It is hard!!  IT. IS. EXHAUSTING. 

I am continuously being told how strong I am.  Let's be honest, I am only doing what every other mother would do if put in the same situation.  It doesn't change the fact that being strong is emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically tiring.  But let's be honest, what other choice do I have?