The plan

I have always been a planner.  I surprise myself sometimes with my ability to continue planning, even though so many times over the last close to 5 years my planning has not yielded the same outcomes as I had anticipated.  I have learned planning is just one component and not even necessarily the most important part, it is the execution of those plans that almost weigh more than all of the preparation, and sometimes even though the plan is in plain sight and you can clearly see the words written out in front of you, your specific desire for the situation to unfold in the manner you thought, isn't always in the cards.

April 16, 2015, was the day that reality shifted, all of our parenting plans as we knew them, changed.  It was the day that I learned you could breathe but your lungs might not fill up with air.  It was the day that I learned that rare can happen to anyone and when it does, it doesn't feel very rare at all.  It was a day that time simultaneously stood still and flew by all at once.  It was the day despite being married 6.5 years already that I would first see Sam cry not because of a birth of one of our children, but because his world was crumbling around him.  There was nothing we could do but once we collected ourselves we made a new plan.

Had you asked me 4.5 years ago, I would have said the first death amongst my non-special needs framily would have been Sonzee.  The plan was Sam and I sitting shiva first because she had passed.  It was supposed to be our friends navigating how shiva worked and things to do.  I never entertained that one of my closest friends would have had to suffer the loss of her mother first, and I certainly never imagined any of Sonzee's grandparents passing first.  Logically I know that is how it is supposed to be, but that wasn't part of the current plan.  It's true you just never know what can happen, and for the last week and a half, I have been wondering why Sam's dad passed.  His soul's mission had clearly been accomplished and his purpose on earth fulfilled, yet none of us here will be privy to the real answer.  What peace I have gathered in my mind over it all is that someone needs to be waiting for Sonzee when it's her turn, and I know when her turn comes, he will be waiting with a cigarette in hand, open arms, on a bent knee and a huge smile on his face...at least that is the plan.