They say a picture is worth a thousand words. That was the very first thought that popped into my mind when I received the email from Shutterfly that Sonya's school pictures were ready to be viewed. I had spent the last week in anticipation of seeing hers since her older siblings all received theirs already. I quickly opened the email and then paused. Or maybe it wasn't so much a pause as I got smacked so hard in the face I had to pull myself together. Maybe it hit so hard because things are completely all over the place in our house this week? Maybe it hit so hard because I am a firm believer in never doing retakes because whatever occurs during the picture is the reality of life in that specific moment? Maybe it hit so hard because I initially had forgotten about what actually occurred on picture day in the first place and after a quick moment I was jarred back into reality.
I debated between this two-piece outfit and its fraternal twin whose shirt was a dark shade of greenish blue. I had been voting on the darker shirt but was vetoed by others who felt the mustardy yellow was brighter and better suited for picture day. I obliged. I picked out 2 glitter ponytail bows and let nurse Paige do her thing (clearly she is always on point as evidenced in the image below). The morning of picture day I told Sonzee numerous times "your pictures are in the morning, please wait and seize after". When I dropped her at school a little after 9am I gave her a kiss and reminded her again to just hold off until after her pictures, and then got back into the car. Within 8 minutes I received a text that said "Ugh. For real. Pics are at 1030". Nurse Paige mentioned they were going to try and fit her in at a different time after she woke up, and I replied: "ok, if not it's the life of Sonze". They waited, put on a horse and pony show-pompoms and all and nurse Paige said: "she is just sort of blah".
A month later and I forgot. I forgot how much I dislike CDKL5 and I forgot how her mutation causes issues in every. single. domain. I forgot that I don't exaggerate when I say "she seizes all the time". I forgot that no matter what medication we put her on it won't take away the negative effects her frameshift mutation causes. I forgot that she gets absolutely no say in how her body treats her and how much she has to always endure. I forgot that even though a picture says 1000 words, Sonzee cannot say one and we won't ever know what she must have felt like after she endured one of the literally (conservatively averaged) 5,000th seizure she endured before being placed in this chair.