When Sonzee was only 10.5 months I wrote a blog post about lemons. As I read it now I know it was one of those posts that I wrote to try to boost my morale and attempt to be positive. So much has happened since that blog post, yet there is still the same passionate desire for "her life [to] be easier, less painful, less scary, and less dependent." I cannot say that these past 3.5 years have brought any of those things, but it certainly was not for the lack of trying. I know we have made every decision for her based on our desire for her to achieve her best quality of life possible. I will always wonder if she feels we have been successful or if she wishes we made different choices.
Last night one of her sisters was at a class at the mall and while I waited I was able to walk around a little. I have been meaning to get the initial bracelet for her baby brother because my best friend started the tradition when our oldest was born when she sent me the "L". So when I saw the Alex and Ani store, I walked inside. After picking up the letter "N", I was taking a look around. These last few weeks we have been bearing an extremely heavy weight on our shoulders and I wanted to see if anything spoke to me, so when I saw the lemon, my only decision was necklace or bracelet.
I wish I knew what you're supposed to do "when life gives you lemons" because Sam and I don't always agree. We have tried shelving them, squeezing them, making lemonade, freezing them, throwing them, making margaritas and every other possible alcoholic beverage with them. Nothing seems to be fulfilling, nothing seems to make me feel like we have done anything correctly, nothing seems to make sense, and nothing seems to have made a damn bit of difference for everything we have done for Sonzee. The only thing I can say is that we have been doing our absolute best and no matter where this journey goes, there won't ever be regrets.
So every day I put this necklace around my neck I will remind myself that when life gave us lemons we did everything we could with the information that was given to us, with the support of those who have shared in the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride of a journey, and that really was the best we could do, no matter how short-changed or inadequate it might have felt.
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