The pain that accompanies this experience is one that I am sure will resurface as the years continue to breeze on by.
I was driving in the car this morning on the way to a toddler gymnastics class with Sonzee's baby brother. I have been looking forward to starting this class since the minute he was born. As the months past by I was so eager to enroll him, and finally about 3 weeks ago I did just that. I confirmed that our beloved Coach Susan was teaching all the morning classes like she did over the previous years. Halfway to the gym my eyes filled with tears as I was thinking the first time we set foot in this gym was 8 years ago, then our second child followed suit as soon as he was 18 months, followed again by our 3rd, but then our time with Coach Susan came to an end with Sonzee, and now here I am bringing baby #5. At that moment I remembered I had written a post about that chapter closing. While not completely surprised I found myself crying again in the car, it still caught me off guard.
My heart finds itself in a constant battle of celebrating these amazing family milestones and broken over Sonzee never being able to be part of them. Had she been able to bear weight maybe we could have modified the class? Had she been able to sit maybe we could have had her do the circle exercises? Had she been able to use her gait trainer when she was younger and in an efficient manner, maybe she could have run in a circle? Maybe if she hadn't spent her earlier years in excruciating pain we might have learned she loved gymnastics? No matter how many therapies or activities we have tried her in, it won't ever make up for the things that she has been unable to participate in.
Lately, my heart has been in so much pain over where we are today. A giant disaster of a circle that truly is never-ending but yet always seeming to start back up with pain, discomfort, sadness, and difficulties. I do not understand how much more her little body can take and I do not understand why it has to be this way. I can't even imagine what else could pop up, but I am sure I won't have to wonder too long because inevitably it will present its unwanted self. Not surprisingly, but yet at a level of fascination with myself, I cannot believe how spot on I was so early on in this journey to assume all of these emotions would resurface, because they certainly always do.