When my oldest was a toddler she had these rubber squeaking building blocks that she would play with. She would take the blocks and build a tower high as she could before it would either tumble down to the floor or she got overly excited and decided kicking it down would be more fun. Each time they fell she would squeal with excitement and then start the process all over again. I can still envision her huge baby toothed smile while she was jumping up and down. This morning her smiling face popped into my mind as I was thinking about how much this relates to Sonzee's milestones, more specifically her GI accomplishments, the main difference every time the tower falls there is no smiling face there to celebrate.
We spent years building tower after tower trying to find a solution to Sonzee's GI difficulties and pain. Every time the reprieve would be short-lived and we were back to situating our building blocks into the perfect configuration to maybe reach some kind of success. Finally, in December, after close to 3 years of being made aware of her struggles, it felt like our final tower was built. Since then there have been a few occasions where a couple of blocks have fallen. Every block that fell was replaced within a few days, maybe a week tops, but slowly the tower would resume its height and we would breathe in a sigh of relief. It had been close to 6 months since the last time a few blocks fell from the top of the tower, so maybe my comfort in the situation was unfounded based on history, but since they say we are supposed to have hope, we did.
Over the past month, it seems like we have been traveling in a falling block zone. It started with a single block falling, turned into 2-3, and now there is no proof there ever was a tower. The base block is nowhere to be found, it too has lost its grounding and has completely disappeared. We are back at square one, really below square one, everything has been erased, it is as if the tower was never built in the first place. I feel defeated, I am angry and so incredibly sad. I am in the place of wondering if this tower can actually be rebuilt or if our new tower will even include all the blocks we used in the first tower. Everything is lost. Everything is gone. Everything has been erased, yet a tower needs to be rebuilt, but there is definitely no eager toddler awaiting the thrill of stacking the blocks waiting for them to eventually fall down.