Nine

When Sonzee’s oldest sister began Kindergarten I wrote a blog post wondering what it would be like when it would be Sonzee’s turn to do the same.  I have this constant inner battle trying to emotionally prepare for future scenarios such as that while trying to protect myself from the possibility that another scenario could take its place.  This past week has been birthday week at our house again.  Today is the day before Sonzee’s oldest sister turns 9.  A birthday that is a milestone simply because it is the LAST single digit birthday she will ever celebrate.  A thought I honestly probably never would have considered if it weren’t for Sonzee.

As I was getting ready to take a shower, abandoning the idea of writing a blog post, the post began to write itself.  What chapter will Sonya’s Story be on 5 years from now,  What will have unfolded in the days, weeks, months, and years between now and then.  Will I be in a state of shock that we would be 3 weeks from a celebration I was fairly doubtful would occur?  Or will I be mentally preparing for the day in a completely different manner?

There are situations that parents should never ever have to consider, fates they should never have to entertain, obstacles that should never need to be overcome.  There are realities parents should never have to face, yet unfortunately so many have to.  When you are faced in such a slimy predicament, the most difficult part is allowing yourself to dream of the less “expected” outcome becoming the reality.  It is telling yourself that maybe, just maybe things will work out differently than you can allow yourself to anticipate.  It is trying to convince yourself that it is OK to think positive because you might actually not get hurt doing so.

Living life with a medically complex and fragile child is working really hard at playing devils advocate in the opposite manner and challenging yourself to believe that your child could defy unknown odds.  What I personally find the absolutely hardest thing to process when it comes to mentally “preparing” is overcoming the notion that no matter how many wars we win, ultimately, at some point in time, the unsugar coated reality of this type of life means that we will lose the battle...it is just a matter of when...so while we wait for “when”, I have to sometimes require myself to celebrate all the nows.