The majority of days it doesn't phase me that our life is atypical. I am so used to it now that it has just become routine, almost an afterthought, especially when I am without Sonze. There are always times throughout the day, even on one of my "majority days" where I momentarily yearn for the normalcy of what life could have been, but I don't ponder it for too long because it doesn't change anything. But then there are some days that something happens and I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest. Those moments come out of the blue, randomly, and catch me completely off guard. They are usually triggered by something typical that I had forgotten used to be or should be in my life.
Today it happened as I was watching Sonzee's older sister at gymnastics. We don't normally attend Tuesday, but due to us going to Colorado we scheduled a make-up class. Sam stayed at home with Sonzee so she could have her rescheduled PT session, so it was just me and my coffee enjoying the view. I was sitting down watching all of the classes when the slap occurred. Coach Susan was teaching the "mommy and me" class. The class that Sonzee should be in, the class that she would have been in because it occurs at the same time her older sister's class occurs. I had forgotten I changed from Tuesday to Thursday for her older sister specifically because Coach Susan has that "mommy and me" class and her aged class has a different coach, or was it more as a protective measure to prevent the situation I found myself in today? I watched the class for only a a couple of seconds before everything clicked and the tears came into my eyes. I was talking to another mom who doesn't know about Sonzee so I quickly rid myself of the tears. But the pain still remained. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach still remained.
I dislike these little "punches", once they happen the sting remains for the remainder of the day making me somber and annoyed. It's hard to bounce back to being "okay" with how things are after such a stark reminder of how much things aren't typical for us. I know these moments will still continue to occur, I feel like I've written about them before as well. I am thankful and glad that the majority of my days are spent wrapped inside a world that has become my familiar territory. It's a place that I feel safe and comfortable and where we belong. But on some days I get pulled into a life that isn't mine, but one I'm not quite ready to give up.
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