A picture popped up on my news feed the other day. A little girl...also diagnosed with a CDKL5 mutation...who was sitting. I wish I could understand why despite the fact that I have accepted it isn't part of Sonzee's fate, it still tugs at my heart whenever I see a similar type of picture. I know I shouldn't compare, I know no CDKL5 mutation is good, I know it all sucks. However, it immediately makes me wonder, "why couldn't that be in the cards for Sonzee?", "why does her mutation not allow her to do that?", "Why did no amount of money or intensive therapy buy her that ability???"
I understand this is part of this journey. There will always be struggles for Sonzee in essentially every life category, and there will always be struggles for me on the emotional/psychological and in some cases even physical categories. It is one of those times it is safe to say the word always. It isn't an exaggeration, it is just a fact. Situations that have already occurred, ones that have and will continue to reoccur, and the ones we have yet to encounter, there will always be something, thanks to CDKL5 Deficiency Disorder (CDD).
Despite knowing that these situations and feelings are going to continue to pop up it doesn't help. I try not to get too far ahead of myself thinking of things she isn't or won't be able to do as the years continue to go by, but the facts are always there. Usually right in front of me in such a blunt way that it is hard to ignore, like having to change her diaper at almost 5, or having to carry her like a newborn at almost 5, or having to feed her through various tubes. I try to wake up each day and tackle it anew, without anything hanging over me, but the fact that this is going to be forever...it makes each little thing that much more difficult.