Friday, December 28, 2018


Every time Sonzee goes inpatient it always takes time for us all to readjust to being home.  The first day is usually filled with equal amounts of excitement and stress.  Excitement because of the obvious, and stress because life at home has been literally going with enough to get by and hospital life has had me missing so much of what has gone on at home that blending the two worlds usually results in the inevitable first night "Randi tantrum".  It is usually filled with everything a three year old would be giddy with excitement over witnessing, and everything a mother would be cringing her teeth over; but I would hate to disappoint either.

Overall I really do honor the motto "do not sweat the small stuff", but after coming back into real life pretty much all of the small stuff turns into insurmountable stuff; including but certainly not limited to items on the counter that have literally been sitting in the same spot for three weeks, laundry in the washing machine but the machine not turned on, and or toys sitting out or put in the wrong location.  I can feel the tension building up inside as 100 bags that have been accumulated from the hospital as if we went on a vacation and hit the gift shop spider web sit on the floor taunting me.  The kids are of course rambunctious and wanting to release their energy by either arguing with one another or playing with the least appropriate indoor toy.  I am exhausted and completely overwhelmed with everything, and then after walking by the filled but not running washing machine, or item sitting in the same spot, like a branch on a tree, I just snap.

They are certainly not my finest parenting/wife moments, and I hate that they happen, but sometimes Sonzee isn't the only fragile one in the house.  There are so many adjustments that come from each of her hospitalizations and it isn't like there is any easying into the situation.  It is like being thrown into the middle of the ocean where there are only sharks swimming around and you have watched a couple videos of people swimming but have never received any actual swimming lessons.  The fear of drowning, being eaten alive, or whatever else you haven't even considered is at the forefront of your mind.  You have no way of knowing the outcome or if the information you have learned will make any difference, all you can do is just close your eyes and pray you make it through.

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