Cycles

Her alarm was going off loudly.  Her nurse was in the room with her and I was trying to get dinner on the kids plates after a long day.  I do not know why, but after 3 rings of the alarm I start to get irritated that someone couldn't just press "snooze".  I have a list of potential reasons, but I am sure I would have to really dig deeper to find the real root, and honestly it just annoys me, there really is zero harm in it continuing to sound.  Regardless I stop putting food on the plates and I walk to the room.  I don't get the door to the hallway closed behind me before I hear "It's ok, it's alright Sonzee, I am here, it's ok". 

I walk through the space between her two bedroom doors and walk next to her bed.  Nurse Teri says, "Ya, it's a seizure, we are at 1 minute...it's ok Sonzee".  I bend down next to her feet, rub her ankle, and then rest my face against her foot because every once and awhile these damn seizures get the best of me and no matter that I have watched her seize over an hour between the past two days, this 1 minute causes the tears to just swell in my eyes.  I wait for a pause in nurse Teri's consolations and then say "No Sonzee, it isn't okay that you are seizing, nothing about this is ok, but nurse Teri and I are here...", then I give her a kiss and have to walk out because I don't want nurse Teri to see my face. 

I get into the hallway, close the door after walking out and take a deep breath before I walk back into the kitchen.  I manage to get the tears out of my eyes before getting back to the girls.  They know Sonzee was/is having a seizure because we are all used the alarm by now, and her oldest sister decides she wants to say how she feels bad for Sonzee because of the seizures and that she does not go to the same school as them.  I honestly do not remember what her sister replied to her with because I was in preservation mode and just wanted to do whatever I could to not face them, not hear them, and not have to talk to them.  The one skill I am still (barely) holding onto is not crying and being emotionally upset in front of them, so that was only my priority, well that and getting them fed and in bed so I could get the tears out of my system.

So here I am at 10:51pm with my YouTube music on in the background, my individual serving of cake as my dinner, and my desk looking like a toddler emptied a box of tissues for fun.  It seems that not only does Sonzee's GI system and seizure presentation follow a pattern, but my emotions share a similar cycle.  I wonder how long it will take for this history to stop repeating itself because clearly it is more than 3 years 7 months and 1 day, and I should probably ensure my Amazon subscribe and save has extra tissues next September.

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