This weekend is the Biennial CDKL5 conference taking place in Denver, Colorado. From the looks of my Facebook feed and the parent support page, the majority of our CDKL5 family will be present. This is the second conference to take place since we have known of Sonzee's diagnosis and the second conference we will miss. The obvious reason is because the weekend has coincided with our second weekend in New York both times, but if I am honest, the more psychological reasoning is a bit deeper in nature.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit envious of everyone who is there. A part of me that is sitting here in New York aching to meet all of my virtual family in person and to meet the children and siblings who went with their families. There is a big part of me who would love Sonzee to be around children who are the most like her, just in case there are times she may feel like she is the "only one". There is a piece of me wondering if I went if this would be the mom group that I would finally feel like I fit in most with.
Despite my envy of those at the conference, there is a significant portion of me that is not ready to be in the room with so many parents whose children also suffer from the effects of a CDKL5 deficiency. I cannot physically see so many impacted children, in what would feel to me, a small confined space. It breaks my heart that this is all of our reality, that such a debilitating deficiency exists. I just will not ever understand and maybe avoidance is my way of dealing, because I realize more and more every day, I am still unable, incapable, and unwilling to fully accept the diagnosis.
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