Last night we went to a BBQ for dinner. Our friends have so many toys and a huge backyard playground, so it was about 5 seconds after we arrived that the kids disappeared. The weather was actually perfect for Arizona conditions, which meant we were going to eat outside. "Perfect" still means too hot for Sonzee until the sun sets, so we parked her wheelchair in front of the screen door so she could be with us from the air conditioned house, and we sat at the table right outside. The children were running around, her baby brother was being passed back and forth between Sam and myself, and she was happily playing with her hands in her chair.
3 years in and I am beyond the daydream of seeing Sonzee playing with her siblings by the swing set or running around. My mind knows better than to even go into that zone, but my heart, well that does not always get the memo. I sat at the table having a fantastic time talking, laughing, smiling, and truly enjoying myself, but part of me was with Sonzee wondering what she was thinking. Was she really happy sitting in front of the screen? Did she want to be running around with her siblings? Was she really content? Does the heat really bother her?
I hate that so many times she is physically with us, but we are not completely present with her. We are unable to cross over into her world, or be privy to any of her thoughts. Even though we walk over to her, give her a kiss every time we walk by, and say "hey Sonzee, how's it going?", I feel like we are neglecting her. I can't help but wonder if what we do is okay, or if she wishes it were different, that we were different with her. As soon as the sun was out of a direct hit, Sam brought her outside and let her enjoy the breeze. She loves sitting in the breeze, and so there she sat playing with her hands, looking as if she couldn't be happier. Yet, I kept glancing over wondering if she could be.
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