Thursday, December 7, 2017

Adjusting...

It has been a week since we brought home our new little man.  A week of adjustments for Sonzee and for our parenting of her.  She has been receiving extra love while in and out of the Ryan House and we couldn't be more thankful for having such a facility to help us care for her.  Her seizures have continued to be atrocious and I have already sat on the floor breastfeeding a newborn while consoling her and simultaneously crying.  Honestly the weight of it all at times is a bit much.  I have found myself wondering "why her?" and "why us?" more often than not.  

I know this newborn stage will fly by for our little man and I am torn on wanting to cherish and pause every second of it all and wanting it to fly by to be a bit more manageable for myself.  My heart is in a constant battle with itself bursting with joy and sadness literally in the same seconds.  Watching little man perform a simple task of moving his eyes in a way that Sonzee never did, focusing on my face with the blank newborn look of curiosity, another thing Sonzee never did.  All these small little things that he is doing that had me on edge with Sonzee because "something just wasn't right".  My heart simply hurts for her, for what she must endure, for what she doesn't get to do, for what her siblings won't have with her, for what I can't change or fix, for what we missed out on together.


I know the next couple of weeks will involve a lot of tears, both happy and sad, as we learn how to balance our "new normal".  I know it will be filled with a multitude of smiles and some stings to the heart.  I know it will be filled with a mixture of doubt and worry, deep breaths, and confidence that things will work out positively as I slowly learn to overcome the fears brought on by having a newborn turn out to be a statistic.  I know this part of our journey is going to be filled with difficulties, different trials and errors, and a good portion of mommy guilt...but then I have to ask myself, what journey isn't?

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