Thursday, February 16, 2017

Pieces

I am always in awe of how the brain works.  I never really appreciated parts of its inner workings until watching a baby have frequent seizures.  I honestly "forgot" some of the emotions and thoughts that I used to have when things were the way they are now, and when they were worse.  I am not sure "forgot" is the most appropriate term, more like I didn't realize how much protection your brain can offer to you as a shield of sorts.  It wasn't until yesterday afternoon when I was subcontiously avoiding putting Sonzee down for her afternoon nap that my feelings of fear and anguish triggered the distant memories of familiarity that overcame me.  I had forgotten how much I used to dread putting her to sleep knowing that as soon as her brain was in a deep sleep the seizures would start...and here we are again.

There is something to be said for how the comfort of a familiar situation and the travesty of what that situation is interwine within one another.  The comfort of knowing that she is sure to have a seizure once her eyes close mixed with the fear of the certainty that she will actually have a seizure as soon as she is asleep, it is insane.  How are we already back in this situation?  How did her honeymoon already run its course?  How come she never even had the chance to gain any skills?  Why so soon?  I shouldn't be sitting here with wine in a tumbler and tears in my eyes while staring at her monitor praying that she won't be woken up to another seizure since she is sleeping off the one that occured an hour ago.

I honestly never thought she would ever have a honeymoon period.  A year ago things went from bad to worse so quickly that I never entertained she would actually get a break.  After her 8 weeks of high dose steroids she went through many periods where she would not have a seizure for a couple of weeks, never long enough for me to get comfortable...they always returned.  Then in August we started her on Sabril and immediately after her first dose it was as if a miracle had occured.  She spent exactly 33 days and 2 minutes seizure free.  33 days and 2 minutes we never expected but completely appreciated.  After a small medication adjustment she went another 23 days 23 hours and 59 minutes, then 53 days and 13 minutes. I foolishly started to think that maybe some sort of control was within our reach, that we had found her magic concoction and given her an actual chance against her own body.  Then after another 28 days 23 hours and 43 minutes the bulk days of freedom came to an end.  I am so appreciative and grateful that she has had a combined 138 days and 55 minutes since August 19, there are so many of her CDKL5 siblings that have't been afforded this blessing, but my heart is broken into an indescribable number of pieces right now.

I had so many visions and dreams of how much she would achieve when...if she was ever given the opportunity to be seizure free, but none of it happened.  I have always known that seizures were just a result of a CDKL5 mutation, that even without them her development wouldn't be typical, but the realization of what her specific mutation limitations are has hit me like a huge semi truck this week.  This is definitely another valley on this journey....I just didn't realize a week ago that we were at one of the highest peaks.

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