I wish...

Sometimes I wish I was a better, stronger person.  The type of person that so many special needs parents are.  The type of parent who is content with their child's progress simply because she is doing her absolute best.  The type of parent who not only finds the blessing in the life that were handed, but also appreciates it to the fullest degree.  The type of person who is not bothered by the fact that other children with their child's diagnosis have it easier or are capable of so much more.  Sometimes I wish I was a better, stronger person.

Sometimes I wish I could look at this all as a "gift".  That I am fortunate because my life now has a purpose and plenty of people live their lives without knowing what theirs is or was.  I wish I was one of those people out there who not only says or thinks that, but one who actually believes it.  I wish I did not feel like I have absolutely no control over anything in my life anymore, but more importantly, I wish I was okay with that.  I wish I could look at this all as a "gift".

Sometimes I wish I had more faith and more hope.  I wish I had more trust that things will work themselves out, and maybe even in a positive manner.  I wish I believed that even if the outcome turns out not to be what I had planned or envisioned that it is what is for the best.  I wish I had it in me to be okay with it all.  I wish I could be like so many other parents who just accept everything is what it is.  I wish I had more faith and more hope.

Sometime I wish I had four healthy children and was never introduced into this world of special needs parenting.  I wish I was not aware of the intimate details of rare disorders that happen as "flukes" or any genetic mutation for that matter.  I wish I could go back to the way it was when I had that new parent ignorance and just the slight fear that a life like this could happen to me.  I wish I did not have to try to mentally prepare myself for all the possible turns this journey might take, because honestly it is futile and the preparation will always be inadequate.  I wish that things were different, and I wish I had four healthy children.

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